Page 69 of Love, Just In

Zac’s chin jerks back. ‘What?’

My hand tightens to a fist at my side. ‘At the hospital, Lindsay told me the reason he moved out of your house was because you kicked him out after he drove home drunk and hit your letterbox. So, why the hell didn’t you tell me that? If you had, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation!’

‘I didn’t think I would have to tell you that, Josie!’ Zac practically shouts. ‘I would’ve thought that you, of all people, wouldn’t take the risk!’

A young couple beside us share an uncomfortable glance as they toss their grocery bags into their car. After they quickly drive away, I feel Zac’s eyes burning a hole in my cheek as I stare at the street.

‘I’m sorry about the cancer thing I said,’ he mumbles. ‘I want you to know that I’m still happy to come with you to your tests.’

‘Oh, whatever, Zac.’ I wave a hand in his direction. ‘You do you.’

I hate that we’re having what feels like a couple’s fight in the middle of a carpark, but the thought of going back to his lovely home to feel unwanted there fills my stomach with lead.

‘Spoiler alert, this is afriendship, Zac,’ I add, those words sending a jolt of nerves through me. ‘We’re not a couple. You don’t get to have deal-breakers and ice me out. Friendship is unconditional.’ I hear how ridiculous that sounds as soon as I say it. Friends are allowed to have boundaries too, I know, but I’m too damn upset to correct myself.

Zac looks a little taken aback before he steels his face at me. ‘I’m sorry, but getting in cars with drunk driversisa deal-breaker for me.’

Tears build on my eyelashes, and I rapidly blink them away. This painful avoidance of me is feeling a little too familiar.

‘Got it,’ I say thickly. ‘Well, come on then. Let’s go, so I can grab my stuff and get out of your life like you want me to. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on it this time. I should’ve read the room better.’ I circle two fingers in the air.

He just stands there. ‘What do you mean,this time?’ ‘Oh, come on, Zac. This isn’t really our first goodbye, is it.’

The look on his face says he truly wants me to believe he has no idea what I’m talking about.

I fold my arms at him. ‘How have you been for the lasttwo years? Because I wouldn’t have a clue. And I know what you went through was awful. It was one of the worst things anyone could ever imagine. But you didn’t let me be there for you. A week after the funeral, you just took off, and you never once came back.’

Zac’s eyes gleam with tears. It’s so hard to talk to him about this stuff without feeling like a selfish prick, but if this is the last conversation we’re going to have, I’m going to drop some ugly truth bombs.

‘I didn’t move to the moon, Josie,’ he protests. ‘You could have visited me up here anytime.’

My voice turns high. ‘Why would I when you wouldn’t return my phone calls and barely replied to my messages? You cut me out of your life; you shut me out of your pain entirely.’

‘I was traumatised!’ He steps forward, his watery eyes blazing into mine. ‘My fiancéedied in my fucking arms. Not a day has gone by since then that I haven’t thoughtabout it. About how I tried everything to keep her alive, and nothing worked. Imagine how utterly hopeless I felt. Three years of training, learning how to save lives, and it all meant jack shit in that moment. I couldn’t do anything to help her. And it should have beenmedriving that car. I wanted to, but she kept insisting, and I should’ve—’

‘Shut up!’ I rush forward to clamp my hand over his lips. ‘Don’t you dare stand here and tell me you were supposed to die in that car. Because if you do, I will never fucking speak to you again. Do you hear me?’

His eyes shine with tears, and I pace backwards, heaving breaths.

For what feels like an eternity, we stand in a deadlock of silence while my heart slowly disintegrates at the thought of Zac blaming himself for Tara’s death.

‘Zac, you need to stop guilt-tripping yourself over this,’ I say, my voice fighting for breath. When he doesn’t reply, I wrap my hands around his wrists and guide him to look at me. ‘You did everything you could to save Tara. Everything. This is not your fault.Please, Zac. Forgive yourself.’

His face twists up, and I reach around his back, pulling him close. The unexpected proximity of him sends me into a dizzying spin, and all I can do is clutch on tightly. He buries his face in my neck, a deep sigh shuddering through him as I run my palm up and down his spine.

I whisper how sorry I am, over and over, while his tears dampen the nape of my neck, my heart sore to bursting.

‘How could I have just gone on with my life down there?’ he chokes out. ‘How could I get up each day … eat breakfast … brush my teeth … walk around Sydney with the sun on my face … when she was never going to do any of those things again?’ His arms tighten around me. ‘It was too much to live with, Josie.’

Tears drip down my cheeks, and my palms keep scoring lines up and down his back as I savour the frantic beats of his heart against mine.I nearly lost you, too.

‘I’m sorry,’ I tell him for the millionth time. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I understand that you needed to leave every part of your life down there. I get it now. I’m sorry.’

He pulls away from me, leaving me cold and empty, but there’s some relief when his fingers slip around my wrists, his glistening eyes holding mine.

‘No, you don’t understand,’ he says, a deep blush overcoming his face. ‘You don’t understand all of it.’

I wait for more, but he looks away and wipes his eyes with the heel of his hand. ‘Fuck, sorry,’ he says. ‘I clearly needed to let some shit out.’

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