Page 77 of On My Side
She laughs, loud and hearty and full and bright and, you know what, I’ll make a fool out of myself whenever she wants, as long as I can get that laugh.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that,” she wheezes.
“Quite frankly, that seems like your own damn fault.”
She giggles and stretches out to press a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I love it.”
“You’re not embarrassed you got yourself off to a guy whose name is aStar Warstribute?”
“I don’t think I could be embarrassed about anything about you. Everything I learn makes me like you more.”
That’s a win for nerds everywhere.
“I like you, too,” I say quietly, turning my face to press my lips into the center of her palm. “If it wasn’t obvious.”
“Ren?”
“Mmm?”
She pauses and shakes her head, dropping her hand. “Never mind, it’s silly.”
I furrow my brow. “Well, now youhaveto tell me.”
She’s quiet, and for a moment I think she’s not going to budge. “Do you think a universe exists where we work out? A universe where people wouldn’t judge you for being with me? Where we could just be happy?”
It feels like someone reached into my chest and cut my heart out with a dull, rusty knife. “What do you mean?”
“Ren, I’m not someone you can bring home to your family. I’m not someone you can be with in public. I’mme.”
“I like that you’re you,” I say so quietly I’m not even sure she hears. It’sbecauseshe’s her that I so desperately want her in my life. Not in spite of her past, but because everything she went through created the most extraordinary woman I’ve ever known.
“And you’re… god, Ren you’re perfect. Everything about you is good and kind and wonderful and I’m the exact opposite.”
Somehow the pain in my chest gets even worse. “I’m not perfect, Audrey. I work really hard to make people think that because it’s easier for everyone if I don’t need help, or if I’m fine on my own or able to come through for everyone else.
“You’re the only person I can simply exist with. I love my family, but Jesus Christ, they’re a mess. Someone always needs something and that’s fine… but they know I’m the one who will come through. And of course I will, because everyone else has their own thing going on, but I can come through for them. I show up. Because I have to. Because…”
I choke on my words, realizing it’s the first time I’ve said this out loud.“Because if I don’t show up, if I’m not perfect, I’m nothing.”
“Ren,” she says, voice hushed. “I didn’t… that’s not true. You could never be nothing.”
I don’t know if I believe her. “All of my siblings have a role in the family. Mine is being exactly who they need me to be. I’m the one no one has to worry about and I don’t know what happens if I’m not who they expect me to be.”
She exhales shakily. “Yeah. I get that.”
My stomach sinks. “Fuck, I didn’t mean…”
“I know.” She smiles at me but it’s watery. “I wish I could tell you they love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, but in my experience that’s not how people are.”
She snuggles into my chest, and I wonder if she can feel the way my heart is beating for her. “But I think maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are people who aren’t like that.”
My stomach feels like I’m on an intense roller coaster instead of in bed. A roller coaster with inversions and loops and big drops and…
“I know I said I wanted to keep going…” Audrey’s voice is quiet, but not quite a whisper. “But would it be okay if we stay like this?”
Thisis Audrey with her head on my chest, her fingers mindlessly playing with my St. Anthony medal.Thisis my arms wrapped around her, holding her close and feeling so understood by her.
“Yes,” I respond, hoping she doesn’t notice my voice cracking. “Let’s stay like this.”
