Page 32 of Dionysus
He held flowers in his hand. He was a clean nigga in a suit but looked hood as hell. He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She giggled at his sentiment, and it made me think of Sasha. There really wasn’t much more for me to care about now. The doctor directed her attention toward me. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jackson, this is my husband, Chase, please excuse him. I will allow you to go in there. I will be out here when you’re ready.”
“Coffee who’s that nigga?”
“Chase,” she tried whispering.
“Chase my ass.”
I couldn’t be mad because I would have asked the same thing. I walked over toward the door and watched him. I shook my head as sobs began to leave me. I needed to do this. I had to get through this moment before I pulled the plug on my heartbeat.
DIO
What is that?The sound of an oldie played.Oh, I know this song.I remember when Zeus played it for me the day we had gone to see our mother. It was our father’s favorite; the nigga wore this shit out too.Gangsta white boy. I sang along. Zeus was right, this shit slaps. Hearing the music calmed me, but then it turned off.No wait! Play it again! It was the one thing that reminded me of a time I was happy. When Zeus and I had gotten a chance to be alone and vibe. That song reminded me more of my brother than my pops, and I wanted to hold on to the moment, even if it meant I only got two verses and a repeated chorus line.
Now that someone had turned off the only thing that kept me entertained, I could pick up the other sounds in the room. Muffled sobs were the first thing I heard.Zeus? Was my brother in here? I hadn’t heard his voice since the first time he had cometo visit me. I had accepted that he couldn’t handle what he saw and would never return.
“Ace! Is that Zeus?”
I didn’t get a response from Ace.“Ace! Nigga I know you hear me.”
I got nothing. That’s when I heard Zeus’s voice, and something about how he sounded changed my mood. Zeus grabbed my hand.Zeus, I can feel it. Damn bro. I miss you.
“Dionysus,” he called out.
Sniff.“I-Man, shit. What did you get yourself into? You were supposed to call—” he paused. “You were supposed to do better. You never listened to anyone. You always did the opposite and look what it cost you. I fought battles for you because deep down I thought you would be better than me, but what,” he paused again.
You what, Zeus, just tell me.He was crying so much that I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say.Come on Zu, I’m listening.
Sniff. Sob. Sniff.“I fucked up. I fucked up in so many ways with you Dio. I should have been there for every mistake you made telling you the right shit. I didn’t want to crowd your space. I wanted you to feel free, but being free with no structure wasn’t the right choice.”
Zeus, you did what you could. It was I who didn’t want to listen. Zeus, I messed up, and I messed up badly.
Sniff. Sob. Sniff.“When Pops died, that was my chance to step in and get it right, and I dropped the ball every time. A nigga so sorry I failed you.”
Come on, don’t cry, man, you’re breaking me down. Zeus, you did not fail me. You were learning. You didn’t know how to be a father, and I knew that; I took advantage. You didn’t fail Zeus, nigga you didn’t.
The way he was squeezing my hand, I knew Zeus didn’t want to let go, and I didn’t want him to either. I could tell tears were pouring out of him because his pain soaked my arm.
“Dio, I saw you talking to yourself that night. I saw you. I knew, and I did nothing about it. You're just like her. I saw your place. The writing on the wall and it hurts bro it fucking hurts. You were crying for help, and I ignored you, and now this. Dionysus, if you can hear me, please forgive me. I-I just wanted you to be proud.”
The fact that I couldn’t respond to Zeus made me angry, sad, and helpless. This couldn’t be how Zeus and I parted. I was stuck in a mental box and trying to find an exit. Zeus was blaming himself for my mistakes. Could he have been stricter on me, yes. Would I have listened, maybe not, but I knew he cared. I was proud of Zeus because, although he thought I didn’t know, he would be up at night praying that I made it home safe. I did. I saw him every time I would sneak in late. I saw his eyes begging me to do better when he would come and get me out of situations. It wasn’t him who needed to apologize; it was me, and I was stuck in my own head, screaming sorry, and he couldn’t hear me.
I began feeling how I felt when I was in that condo alone, battling my demons. My mind would race, and the feeling of the world was on my shoulders. I would resort to talking to myself because I figured it was only I who could talk myself out of the very thing Zeus feared; suicide. Then Ace became a comfort to me. He knew when to pop in and out to keep me sane. He had become so much of a comfort that I forced myself to create an illusion of him so that I could feel like I had someone in the room with me.
I knew Ace wasn’t real because every time I saw him, it wasn’t his face that I saw, it was my own. I was fighting with myself. Now, how would I explain that?
There was a tap on the door and Zeus let go of my hand.Zeus, don’t let go.
“Mr. Jackson, have you decided?”
Decided? Zeus, what is she talking about?
Zeus was crying so badly that I couldn’t make out what he was saying.
“He’s- he’s my brother and I-I don’t know,” he sobbed loudly.
Zeus’s crying began making me cry. I could feel my tears slowly rolling down the side of my face.
“It would be a quick process, Mr. Jackson. Once the machine is off, he would still look like he’s sleeping.”
