Page 39 of Loving the Legend
He leans slightly toward me. “You said that it takes over everything?”
I nod. “But it’s kinda fucked because I’m the only one that knows it’s there. And it takes even me forever to realize it. One minute I’m fine, then blink”—I snap my fingers—“and my place in the world is wrong. I’ll try to shake it off, but days pass before I realize I’ve only sunk deeper.”
“God, that sounds rough.” He rubs at his lips, lost in thought. “What helps you climb out?”
Adam used to help, but his concern and love felt heavy, deepening the gap between where I was and what was normal. I prefer to get through it on my own.
“It just has to pass.”
“Have you thought about therapy?”
“Nah, I don’t need it.”
“I see a therapist,” he says. His lips turn up slightly. “Does it surprise you? Living in this world…”
I press my lips together. In all of the ways that I imagined Sid, I can’t say that I imagined him in therapy. I guess even I’m guilty of forgetting there’s a man behind the celebrity. “What do you go for? Is it helpful?”
“I lost my best friend in high school. I was having recurring nightmares about him, and it was affecting my game. We’ve also covered a lot of other things—anger, imposter syndrome, and my father’s abandonment. Honestly, people go to therapy for different reasons. You don’t need to hit some kind of secret trauma threshold before it’s okay to go. You can go because you want to improve your life.”
How is he this open? It’s difficult for me to be vulnerable. I learned when my parents passed that the world moves on quickly when bad things happen to other people, and they expect you to move on too. I learned how to bury my grief and one of the unintended effects is that it’s become harder for me to open up.
“I’m sorry you lost your best friend.”
“Thanks. It was a crazy period in my life. You know, being an athlete is as much about mental health as it is physical health. If you go through periods of depression, you should have a therapist in your corner to help you through it. We all need help. Will you consider talking to one?”
“My uncle has been begging me to see one for a minute now and now you. I guess I should give it a shot.”
“For real?”
I nod. “Yeah, maybe.”
“I’m here too. Hit me up.”
“The anniversary of my parent's death is coming up in early February.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Adam and I usually visit their graves and then have lunch together.”
“Every year?”
I nod.
He hums. “Sounds like a great way to remember them.”
We fall back into a companionable silence.
“So, you take supplements, eat clean, meditate, and see a therapist. I’m impressed,” I confess.
“It’s just how I’m wired. I like to feel good,” he says.
And look and smell good too.
“Want to watch something?” I ask.
“Sure, as long as it’s a Christmas movie.”
“Youreallylove Christmas,” I say, grinning.
