Page 81 of Until We're More
“I…” What was I supposed to say? If I gave her false hope and she stayed, she lost her dream job. If I didn’t say anything, I might lose her for good. When it came down to it, it was better for me to live with regrets than for her to have to.
“Crestfallen” was the best way to describe her expression, and it poured more lemon juice on the wound that’d spread and taken over my chest. “I’ll come back for the rest of my stuff later, sometime when you’re at the gym. Thanks for giving me a place to stay this past month, and, you know, all the orgasms.” She took another couple steps toward the door, and my arms throbbed with the urge to stop her and pull her to me so she wouldn’t leave, but I knew she’d fight me and, even worse, that it wouldn’t do any good. “For the record, I wasn’t going to just sit on my ass and hope this worked out; I was going to put the effort into it to ensure it did.”
The slam of the door echoed through the apartment, and then I was alone, and while I’d been perfectly okay being alone a mere month ago, suddenly I felt it with an intensity that made me think I’d never be okay with it again.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chelsea
How could life be so incredibly wonderful one minute and then so beyond shitty the next?
Silly me, I’d thought this time Liam would say he wanted me to stay. Why hadn’t I learned my lesson the first time? Why’d I expect this one to be any different?
Probably because I read too many books and over-romanticized things.
Oh, and I was delusional, too.
Tears blurred my eyes, and since I was driving, I decided I should pull over to keep from endangering anyone around me, not to mention George and myself.
Since I’d left without his carrier and he was not a fan of moving cars, his claws were embedded deep into the passenger seat. It took me two tries to dislodge him, and without driving to concentrate on, the tears flowed freely as I convinced my cat into my arms.
“Looks like we’re going back to Denver, which is great, since it’s a really…”Sniff.“Good.”Sniff.“Job. One I’ve worked my ass off to get.” I rubbed the spot between George’s ears with my thumb. “I hope you’re cool with, like, four kitty brothers and sisters, because I think Liam’s ruined me for any other guy. Pretty sure he ruined me that day I walked up to him when I was twelve years old. You know, all this time I thought being bold was paying off, and now I think it’s just bullshit. You say what you want and it doesn’t matter, because unless other people agree—unless they want you back…” Holy crap, it hurt so much, every single inch of me throbbing and aching with a vengeance, but I forced myself to finish, figuring I might as well embrace the crazy-cat-lady lifestyle. “All you did was make a fool of yourself.”
I’d thought I could have it all, and now I’d lost everything. Our friendship would never be the same. I couldn’t simply call him up to chat. The next time I came into town, I probably wouldn’t even call him at all.
That thought sent the misery already coursing through me into gushing range.
I hadn’t a clue where to go from here. I considered calling Brooklyn, but while I knew she’d be on my side as much as she could, she was Liam’s sister. One way or another that would mess with them, and I couldn’t see her without thinking about how much my world revolved around her brother anyway, andugh. Everything was such a mess, just the way I’d worried it would be when I first tried to talk myself out of crossing lines.
Guess it was time to return to the house I’d lived in for the second part of my childhood, the thing I should’ve done instead of impetuously moving in with my best friend.
Only the thought of never having experienced those kisses, those heated nights between the sheets…that sent a different kind of ache through me. Then it hit me that I’d never have that with Liam again, and a fresh wave of tears rose to my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.
He’d gotten so mad that I had trouble believing anyone truly wanted me after the way my family treated me, but when it came down to it, he didn’t want me, either. Not the same way I wanted him.
I just wanted him to want me. I wanted to be enough.
I was going to allow myself to wallow for a day, but then I’d get back up. No more following Liam Roth around like a puppy. I’d finish off my last week here and then I’d go back and become the best damn associate brand manager ever.
No more being overly romantic or delusional for me.
…
Despite my best attempts to prep and steel myself, it still hurt to walk into the training center Tuesday morning. To see the cage and the fighters, and for none of them to be Liam, although it’d also send pain through me if one of them were.
After everything that’d happened, visiting the Team Domination gym would be a special kind of torture. But the fact that this wasn’t that gym, with fighters I recognized, was almost worse.
It’d been three days.
Three awful, never-ending days.
I’d given myself a day to wallow, but I’d accidentally taken two. During that time, I’d eaten more junk food in a day than Liam had eaten all year. At an especially low point, I’d pulled out my phone and stared at the pictures I’d taken this past month, from the one of Liam and me on the beach wearing virtual flower crowns to the one with the hearts over our heads to the picture of us in a permanent lip-lock.
Somehow the kissing one I’d blindly snapped had turned out perfect, and now every time I looked at it—which I was totally going to stop doing—it perfectly ripped my heart out. As much as I wanted to be okay, I was back to faking it till I made it, and I honestly wasn’t completely sure Iwasgoing to make it.
Don’t cry. You’re in a room full of fighters and you don’t want to be the girl crying in the gym.For the first time in my life, I understood my mom a little too well. How she could just decide to stop fighting. Whether it was giving up on finding a job that was satisfying but steady or working to have a good relationship with her husband. Or her daughter, for that matter.
Trying and caring left you so open and vulnerable, especially when other people were thrown into the mix. The thought of getting my heart beat up this badly ever again made it tempting to curl into my own personal shell and never come out again.
