Page 55 of Song Bird Hearts
“You gonna say somethin’?” I ask softly, watching him.
He’d sung a song to me before this all went down, and now, he can’t even meet my eyes.
He doesn’t answer. He just keeps working, cleaning up my arm before wrapping the gauze around it. He cuts the tape and makes sure it’s fastened well enough it won’t fall off. Only when he’s done does he finally look at me, his eyes black with fury.
“You could’ve died,” he says, that anger slamming into me like a boot to the guy. “For a goddamn message.”
“It wasn’t just a message,” I reply back, my own fire rising to meet his. “It was me. My life. My freedom. If I don’t have that, what the hell do I have?”
“You have us!” he growls, voice breaking like glass. “You have people willing to die to keep you breathing, and you stood on that stage like you didn’t give a shit what it cost!”
“According to you, I don’t haveyouat all,” I point out bitterly.
His face twists with anger because I’m right. “You’re playin’ with people’s lives?—”
“You think I didn’t know the cost? You think I wasn’t terrified?” I stand, my voice rising to match his. “I did it anyway, because there’s no other option. I’m not some little girl waiting for someone to save me.”
“I never said you were?—”
“You didn’t have to! You treat me like I’m made of glass, like I should be up high on a shelf, looked at and never touched.” My face twists. “I’m so tired of being on a shelf,” I choke out. “I’m not made for that.”
“This isn’t a fucking shelf! This is life, goddamn it!” he snarls. “What if that bullet had been six inches closer? You willin’ to die for all this?”
“Damn right I am!” I growl. “For my freedom, for the ability to be who I am and not have anyone take that away from me? Damn right I’m willin’ to die for it!”
He shakes his head and bares his teeth at me. “I knew this was a mistake?—”
“Stop treatin’ me like a child!” I shout at him and for good measure, I thump him on the chest. So what if my arm stings at the action. “I can handle all of this!”
“You can’t even handle me,” he barks, towering over me. “Let alone this bullshit!”
“I can!” I hiss. “If you’d just let me!”
“You can’t!” he roars. “Stop pretending like this is a game you’re tryin’ to win. You don’t even know what I’ve done, Trouble! I’ve put bullets in men’s heads and smiled. I’ve done things you can’t even imagine just to get paid. I’m not some goddamn fairytale bodyguard!”
“So run from your emotions,” I demand. “Like always. Nice, stoic Knox Holloway, refusing to feel anything at all.”
“I was fine!” he spits. “I was perfectly fine being numb. It was good.” His next words are spit through his teeth. “Untilyou.”
We’re too close now. When had I gotten in his face? When had we pressed chest to chest as we yelled at each other? We’re breathing each other in like two fires fighting for oxygen.
“So then feel,” I spit. “Let it out.”
“I can’t,” he grits.
“Why, goddamn it? Why not just let it out?” I narrow my eyes. “Do you need me to explain how I feel so you understand?”
“No, I?—”
“I fucking love you,” I snarl. “All of you. And it’s frustrating that I can’t just let myself fall into that because of all this bullshit with the Foundation.”
“You shouldn’t?—”
“No, fuck you!” I shout, poking him in the chest. “I was almost shot tonight. I could die tomorrow. Hell, I could die in my sleep before the sun rises. So I’m fucking tired of being told who I can be, what I can do, and how I should feel. I’m not asking you to return the feelings, Knox, but I am asking you to endure it.” He blinks at me and I continue. “I’m aware how fundamentally selfish that sounds. I offer you no justification and no argument in its favor. It’s just what I want, and I want you. So I’m asking you to. . .” I blink, not realizing I’d started to cry at some point between the beginning of this argument and now. I reach up and angrily wipe away the tears that slip out.
“You’re askin’ me to watch you die,” he chokes out.
“So what?” I say. “So what? Nothing is forever. Everyone dies. If my decomposing body can at least nourish the roots of a tree or the wings of a vulture, that’s immortality enough for me,” I growl. “And as much as anyone deserves.” I hit his chest. “It’s my decision. If you’re gonna leave anyways, if I’m gonna die, then why hold back?” I shake my head. “Why fight it?”
