Page 103 of Whatever Lola Wants

He eyed her warily, and the urge to laugh rose up in her throat. She ruthlessly tamped it down, knowing if she gave in, she wouldn’t be able to stop until she was screaming. “I’m a Dom, Lola.”

“And Dom’s need subs.” She pursed her lips. “So, what are you doing with me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” she said, tamping down on her temper, “if you need a submissive, then what. The fuck. Are you doing. With me?”

She could practically see him trying to gauge her mood, trying to decide how to handle her. She gave in to the urge to laugh, one harsh bark of sound that held no humor. “Are we just having a good time? Enjoying each other? Exploring our mutual sexual attraction?”

She narrowed her eyes when he didn’t answer. “Or am I just the place holder fuck until you find someone better?”

He moved now, so quickly she barely had time to blink before he was towering over her, his face so close to hers she could feel his breath when he spoke. “I’ve never treated you like that.”

“No,” she said slowly, “you’ve treated me like your girlfriend. But we both know I was never that, so your treatment of me isn’t a reliable indicator of how you feel.”

“Goddammit,” he muttered and whirled away to pace. “I never meant for us to get this far.”

“That much is obvious.”

He whirled back, anger blazing in his eyes for a moment before it cooled to a remote blankness. “Lola. Sit down.”

Did he think that cool, impersonal tone was supposed to intimidate her? “I’m fine right here, thank you.”

If anything, his gaze got colder. Blanker. Less Simon, more Big Dick Hastings.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Thank you.”

If he heard the sarcasm, he didn’t show it. “And I’m sorry we never had a conversation about expectations.”

That makes two of us.

“But Lola, it can’t be a surprise to you that I want a submissive. I’m a Dom. That’s not something I can change, any more than you can magically stop being a switch.”

“You’re right,” she acknowledged. “I can’t. But explain something to me. We play together well. We have fun outside of the playroom. We’re as compatible as we could possibly be in bed. We laugh. So, tell me—what do you need that I’m not giving you?”

Simon stared at Lola, guilt gnawing at him with dull, angry teeth. She was so still, so quiet. Her face was free of makeup and she wore no jewelry, and in the torn jeans and faded sweatshirt she looked impossibly young, unbearably vulnerable. Her eyes were clear and steady, but he could see the hurt lurking there, behind the shield she was working so hard to maintain.

He’d fucked this up. Dammit, he’d known better, but he’d ignored his better instincts, and now she was hurt. Because of him.

The only thing to do now was make the break as clean as possible.

“Lola, I need a submissive. I want a partner who wants to give me that control, who needs me to have control. Who needs me. You don’t need me.”

She nodded, her gaze focusing on the ceiling for a moment before lowering it to meet his once again. “If that’s what you need to make you happy, then you’re right. I’m not it. And you should go find what you need, Simon. You don’t have to apologize for that.”

Swamped with regret, he opened his mouth to speak.

She held up a hand. “But you’re wrong when you say I don’t need you. It’s true I don’t need you like a submissive needs a Dom. I don’t need you to give me a list of daily tasks, or to tell me how to wear my hair. I don’t need you to set rules, or hand out punishments when I forget to change the bed linens on the right day.”

She shut her eyes for a moment, the struggle on her face making him ache. When she opened them again, they were carefully blank. “All of that sounded really bitchy and judgmental, and I don’t mean it to. There’s nothing wrong with needing those things.”

Her eyes turned fierce. “But while I might not need you for that, I needed you for other things. I needed you to take care of me when I was hurt. I needed you to hold me when I had nightmares after the accident. I needed you to laugh with, to make love with, to go to sleep with and wake up with. I needed you to tell me I was an idiot for forgetting to eat before our first scene at the club, and I needed you to help me make it right. I needed you to take me to the ball game and buy me a hot dog.”

She drew a shaky breath, and her hands were trembling. “But that’s not what you want. So, you should go, find the submissive you need. You deserve to have the life you want.”

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