Page 51 of Say Something
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Lightning did not strike me on the way home from my parents’ house that night. But it might as well have since I was struck with both good and bad thoughts on the short drive to my cottage.
The common denominator?
Danny.
In one moment, I wondered if it was possible for us to start over. The next moment, I remembered one of the many times we fell apart.
“We still have one more embryo we can try,” Dr. Rowland offered, but evenhedidn’t sound optimistic.
“We’ve tried three. If the third one wasn’t a charm, what makes you think the fourth one will be?” I asked. My tone was bitter. I was over this appointment. I was over this process. I was just over it all.
“Jess,” Danny scolded, placing his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to what? Calm me? Console me? It wouldn’t work. I shrugged him off. I was so sick of his optimism and positivity. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, “Why me?” But that wouldn’t get me anywhere.
Nothing seemed to get me anywhere.
It was hopeless.
Iwas hopeless.
“Take some time to think about it,” Dr. Rowland suggested.
I ignored his words as I stood from my stupid wingback chair and collected my coat and purse.
“Jess,” Danny pleaded. “Jessica.”
I ignored him, too. Him and his stupid super sperm.
I walked out of the office and out of the building, never planning on setting foot back in that house of false hope again.
I had been so fucking optimistic the first time I walked in those doors. I thought that place would hold all the answers. Problem or not, I was certain the fancy doctors would be able to fix it—fix me—and all would be right in the world. The truth was, it didn’t matter how much of my inheritance I’d spent.
I was defective.
“Jessica,” Danny called after me as I made my way to my car. “Will you wait a minute?”
I stopped walking and let him catch up. I wanted to cry. For the first time since all this started,I wanted to cry. But I wouldn’t do it. Not in front of him. I couldn’t let him see me break. I couldn’t let him see how deeply this affected me. He wasn’t an idiot, he probably knew, but I wasn’t going to show him.
“Baby, it’ll be okay. We’ll figure it out.” He took me into his arms and held me close.
I let him hold me and said nothing.
There was nothing we could do.
I was nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
The memory was bitter. If we thought we’d still had a chance back then, we were wrong. That was the real end. The point of no return—when I had officially shut Danny out. I stopped smiling. I stopped talking. I stopped praying. I just...stopped.
He never did though. Danny never stopped. He gave one hundred percent until the very end. He went to work or to class, and he’d always come home with a smile for me. He would kiss me on the forehead when he came or went and quietly sighed when I just sat there...nearly catatonic.
I remembered pieces of those days, but I was hardly able to paint a full picture. It all blended together. I spent a lot of days just staring off into space. I watched mindless reality television shows, not fully paying attention to anything that was happening on the shows or around me. I didn’t even know what Danny had done those days. What he did when he was home. I never saw him. He could have been right in front of me, and I wouldn’t have seen him.
