Page 139 of A Moment for Us
“What?”
He chuckles. “Nothing. Look, I spent years out there, trying to find answers, and it turns out what I’d been looking for was in town the whole time.”
“Stella?”
He nods. “It was always her.”
“It’s always been Delia.”
Jack drinks from the bottle and then puts it down. “If she’s the answer, why the hell are you out here searching for anything? You know where she is.”
Yes, but it’s been three days of radio silence. I’ve called, texted, and even drove to her work today. I didn’t go in, but I stopped two of her co-workers in the parking lot and asked if she was doing okay. I wanted to go to her, beg her to help me, love me, fix me because I’m clearly a goddamn mess, but I won’t. She is already dealing with too much, she doesn’t need me dumping my baggage at her door.
“I fucked up.”
“Is it not fixable?”
I shrug. “I don’t know if it is.”
He bobs his head. “I see. You know, I might just agree with your sister on knocking you upside the head.”
At this point, I might do it myself. “I wish it were that simple, Jack.”
“You think life is supposed to be simple?”
“I know more than anyone that it’s not.”
Jack’s breath comes through his nose. “Dude, you don’t know shit. I lost my mother, and then my father checked out. Your family was my only lifeline and, yeah, Mitchell is an asshole, but he was there. Your mother might have been burying her head in the sand about him, but she was breathing. You had four siblings who were always there. What did I have? Grayson and, by default, you all were my friends.”
“It wasn’t as easy as that,” I tell him.
“No, you didn’t have it easy, but it wasn’t the worst life ever. Then you got to leave and move on with life. I was here, dealing with my choices and having to pretend I didn’t love your sister. You don’t have to do that. Youchosethat. Just like you’re choosing this.”
That fucking word again. Choosing. As though I want any of this. I didn’t choose to lose our baby girl. I didn’t choose to watch Morgan drown. I didn’t choose to destroy the people and things I love most in life.
“If you think this is what I want, then you should leave before I hit you with this bottle.”
“When we had to give Kinsley back to Samuel, it was literally the worst goddamn thing I’ve ever been through. A million times harder than when she was an infant. I didn’t love her then. I didn’t know her. Then we had her, and God, you see her, she’s amazing. She’s so much like her mother, and I couldn’t keep her. I was breaking from the inside out, and the only thing that kept me together was Stella.”
I look down, hating his words. “I’m what’s breaking Delia.”
“No, youweren’t.”
My eyes lift. “But I am now?”
“I can’t answer that.”
He doesn’t have to. I already know whatever pain she’s in now is because I’m a fucking asshole.
“I love her, but I keep thinking that it comes with a cost.”
“Nothing in life is free, and love is no different. There are days when you’re in the deficit and others where there’s a surplus. You have to decide to love even stronger on those days when it feels like you can’t fucking breathe because it’s so hard to remember the good days and let that hold you over.”
“Accounting love advice?”
Jack shrugs. “You get the point.”
“I do. I’m a fucking idiot.”
