Page 134 of A Moment for Us
“Obviously.”
I’ve always known he takes on the weight of the world, but this is crazy. I move toward him, my hand brushing his cheek, and he jerks back.
“You didn’t do this. We lost a baby, Josh. That is nature and nothing to do with you. It isn’t your fault any more than it’s mine.”
“How would it be your fault?” he bellows.
“I lost her! I did it! She was my responsibility, and now look at what happened.”
“No, that’s ridiculous!”
“What’s ridiculous is that you think this is your fault! Don’t you see that?”
He takes a step back, his eyes on mine. “I know what I bring. I know what my love does. Look at the body count around me!”
“You lost one person. One, Josh. That doesn’t make you the master of destruction. It means that someone died—tragically—and you never dealt with it. You are no more at fault for what happened to Morgan than I am for Gina.”
He huffs. “No, you’re in denial. I destroy everything. I love and people lose. It’s reality, and you failing to see that is only hurting you. I deluded myself into thinking that it could be different. That we were different. Now I see. I see what my loving you is doing to you.”
“You’rechoosingto see it that way.”
He laughs once. “Yeah, I chose it all. I chose to watch my girlfriend drown. I chose to fail you and lose our daughter. I chose it because that’s what I want. No. I don’t want this. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to watch you die because of me.”
I try again, going toward him, but he backs up. “No. Don’t. Don’t try to fix me. I watched her die in front of me. I watched you cry as we lost our daughter. What’s next, Delia? You? Our son? It’ll happen because that’s what always fucking happens.”
“So, you’re going to push me away? Not love me anymore?”
“I wish I could. I wish I could stop this feeling in my chest. I wish I didn’t love you so fucking much that it hurts to breathe. But do you know what hurts worse? This. This goddamn pain that never ends. Having to live with the knowledge that, any day now, you’re going to hurt again.”
I stand here, unsure of the next step. He is convinced that this is all his fault, and despite it being irrational, it’s his belief. I can keep saying it’s not, doing my best to convince him, but until he’s ready to actually accept it, I don’t know we’ll ever get past it.
“And this is truly what you think?”
“It’s what I know.”
My heart breaks. “Okay then.”
That seems to stun him a little. “What?”
“What now, Josh? How does this go? What is your solution to all of this? Are you going to get help or are you just going to walk away?”
“I’m going back to how it was before.”
The air in my chest feels heavy. “Meaning?” I choke out the word and wait.
Josh presses his lips into a thin line. “I’m going to the RV for a few days.”
“Just a few days or will you be back?”
“I don’t know, but I need to put some distance between us.”
Tears stream down my face as he shreds my heart. He really believes this is his fault and can’t see that I love him and we can work through it. He’s breaking us. “I see. So, you’re leaving me?”
“I’m going to the RV a few towns over. It’s not exactly leaving. I’m just putting some distance between us until I know you’re safe.”
Right.
If he wants distance, he’s going to get that. I have always loved him, but I won’t live like this.
