Page 125 of A Moment for Us
“And you have cake.”
Delia smiles. “Come on, babe. Let’s go inside and eat cake on the couch and pretend that we aren’t breaking.”
“That I can do.” I’ve perfected the art of pretending everything is okay when, clearly, it’s not.
She may want to scream and cry, but I want to rage at the injustice of it all. I find love again, only to lose it.
Chapter 37
Delia
I’m standing outside the nursery.
My hand on the doorknob, trying to decide if I’m ready to go in. It’s still dark out, the morning sun hasn’t awoken yet, but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, and fear has kept me restless.
Josh is asleep, and since we got home six days ago, neither of us have had the desire to look at this room, but at some point, I need to do it. Today we go back to the doctor, and I know that the lie I’ve been living is about to end. We won’t be able to just act as though nothing is going on. I’ll have an ultrasound or hear the heartbeat of just one.
Slowly, I turn the knob, push the door open, and walk in. Everything is just as we left it. Her bedding is hanging over the edge of the crib, and the pink flowers are still on the wall, waiting for her initial.
I walk over to the crib, touching the soft cotton bumper.
I don’t know how long I stand here, but it’s long enough that eventually I notice the sunlight starting to filter through the blinds.
It’s there that Josh finds me.
His hand starts at the small of my back and then moves up to my shoulder. “How long have you been awake?”
I close my eyes, the orange light the only thing I see. My heart is pounding, and everything in me feels as though it’s about to explode. But this is the first time since we got home that I’ve felt like he’s here with me, even though he hasn’t left my side.
“A while.”
“I was going to take this all down.” Josh’s voice sounds strained. “I kept planning to do it, but I couldn’t.”
“We weren’t ready to face it,” I say, still not looking at him or anything really. “I don’t know I am now either.”
He lets out a long breath, and then I feel his lips on the back of my head. “We have to leave soon. I’ll make sure this gets done.”
The explosion I felt building slowly detonates. I whirl around, anger flowing through my veins. “Don’t touch this!”
“What?”
“She was someone to me! This is where she should be, and she’s not. Don’t take her away!”
Josh blinks a few times and steps back. “I don’t know what to do here.”
“You can’t just erase her. I still have her with me, and I can’t . . . I can’t fucking pretend anymore. I have to carry her around, knowing that she’s not a baby anymore.”
“I know, and I hate it.”
“I do too. Now she’s just a demise. How can I love something I never met? How do I feel the loss of her when I’ve never seen her, touched her, felt her in my arms? I don’t understand why this hurts so damn much. We won’t get to hold her, Josh. We won’t get to see her and say goodbye to her. Instead, I have to carry her until the end and then she’ll just disappear. Taking all her stuff away will do the same!”
The words come out of me as the tears do. Days of pretending haven’t lessened the pain. It’s all here inside me, and I can’t hold it in anymore. No one can understand how this feels. To know that inside me is a child that isn’t alive. They said she won’t resemble a baby when she’s born. I will never get to say goodbye to her, not really.
“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it easier for you. I don’t want you to come in here and have it hurt.”
“Do you think removing her crib will make it hurt less? That I won’t remember that her crib was once here every time I walk into this room? I will. I’ll always look at this room that will be our son’s and remember he should have a sister.”
“And do you think I don’t feel that way? That this is easy for me?”
