Page 126 of A Moment for Us
“You make it look easy!”
I’m not being fair. I’m not, but I’m so far past the point of reason that I can’t stop. He hasn’t mentioned her. He hasn’t talked about anything other than asking me a million times if I’m okay.
“How do I make this look easy? I’m fucking broken, Delia. I’m trying to hold my shit together and be strong for you.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want you to be strong. Maybe I need you to break down so I know that I’m not the only one hurting. You haven’t cried. You haven’t said anything about it other than to ask if I’ll lose our son.”
He looks down at my belly and then to my eyes. “When did I say that?”
I throw my hands up and start to pace. “All you do is ask me over and over if I feel him kick? Do I feel sick? Do I need to call the doctor?”
“So, my being concerned for you is a bad thing?”
“Yes! Yes, because I can’t stop it! I can’t stop it,” I say as I feel myself sink to the floor. Josh is there in an instant, pulling me into his arms, holding me as we both sit. I clutch him, needing his strength that I was so resentful of just a moment ago. “I can’t stop it because I don’t even know how it happened.”
He and I stay like this, gripping one another as I cry in his arms, no longer able to keep my feelings inside. I repeat those words, over and over, until no more sounds come out.
* * *
“How are you doing?” Dr. Locke asks.
“We’re okay.”
She looks to Josh and then to me. “I am here if you have questions, I know this is a very difficult thing to come to terms with.”
I nod, still too raw from this morning to talk about it.
Josh clears his throat. “How does everything look so far?”
Dr. Locke looks down at the papers. “Bloodwork looks good. The antibiotics we gave you as a precaution did well. We’re going to have to keep a close watch on things, make sure that we don’t have any signs of that. I think you’re okay to return to work as long as you’re not on your feet too much.”
“I already requested that, and my boss said it was fine.”
“You what?” Josh asks quickly.
“What?”
“You should stay home, off your feet, where you can rest.”
I clear my throat, doing my best not to snap at him again. He’s lost his damn mind if he thinks he’s going to dictate this to me. All I do is sit and think. I need some fucking normal again. I am falling apart and can’t lose my job and my house too. “No, I need to work and pay my bills, so . . . if the doctor says I’m okay, then I am going to work.”
His back goes straight, and I can see the frustration in the lines of his mouth. This is so not going to be fun. However, Josh surprises me by not saying anything more.
Dr. Locke, probably wishing she were in any room but ours, turns back to me. “I think you’re safe to do that, but if you have any concerns, you come in right away. You’re still considered high risk, but if you take it easy, it may be good for you to have some sense of normalcy.”
“I agree.” I raise my brows, looking at Josh.
“Sure,” he replies.
“Okay, I’d like to do an ultrasound to check on the baby and listen to the heartbeat.”
I lie back on the table, a sense of dread filling my chest. What if there’s something wrong again? What if she can’t find his heartbeat? What if, in the last seven minutes since I felt him move, something has gone wrong?
My shirt lifts, and the warm gel hits my skin before the monitor presses against me. I don’t look. I don’t watch because, if this happens again, I won’t be able to handle it. Instead, I watch Josh’s eyes, which are studying the monitor.
And then a thought that has no right to be here enters.
What if they were wrong about her? What if she’s really okay?
