Page 102 of You Loved Me Once
“You’re what?”
“I’m going to admit to what I’ve done, and face whatever comes.” He opens his mouth, but I keep going before a word can be said. If I don’t get this out now, I have no idea if I’ll be able to later. “I did this on my own, and I won’t let you or anyone else have any disciplinary action brought against them. More than that, it’s the right thing to do, and it’s what I should’ve done from the beginning,” I sigh. “It’s what I would’ve done a month ago. No, that’s not even true, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Ren,” he starts.
Westin was absolutely right when he said he didn’t know who I was, because I’m not that person. “No, please don’t say anything, just listen,” I say and continue before he can answer. “I lost myself when Mrs. Whitley died. I don’t know what it was, but I felt as though I’d lost my mother all over again. It broke me in a very real way. My life spun so far out of control and I couldn’t right the car, no matter how hard I tried. I did try to tell you, so many times, but then you asked me to stop and so I thought maybe I should protect you instead.”
“I had no idea that’s what it was. I thought,” he runs his hand down his face. “I don’t fucking know, but not that you altered the trial.”
“I know. But I did, and I’m going to have to pay the price.”
“You’re sure?” Westin asks.
“Yes. I’m sure. I can’t live with this and I can’t ask you to lie, either. Not for me, not when it’s not who you are. You’re a good doctor who cares, and who prides himself on integrity, Westin, and I won’t make you someone else. That’s not fair. That’s not what love means.”
I stop talking, trying to get my heart to settle, but it’s beating so loud I worry I’ll pass out. Being open and honest isn’t my thing. I’ve spent so many years mastering being closed off that being vulnerable is terrifying. However, this may be the last time I ever talk to Westin like this and I won’t waste it. He needs to know how I feel, and how sorry I am for hurting him.
“The thing is, Wes.” I take a step closer. “I fell in love with you at the same time my entire life imploded. You don’t have to believe me, and I don’t blame you, but I do love you,” my voice cracks.
I turn around quickly so he doesn’t see the tears that form in my eyes. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I’ve done enough of that and it’s time to put the pieces back together.
“I know you think what I did is because of Bryce,” I continue on. “A long time ago I would’ve done anything for him, but me changing the medications was about me. For years, I’ve been closed off to feeling, I thought it made me a better doctor. If I didn’t love, then loss wouldn’t break me, and that bled into our relationship.” I look back at him. “If I felt nothing but friendship, when you left, I wouldn’t fall apart. I was starting to let my walls down with you, and then Bryce came back, sending them to the ground.”
“Ren,” he tries to stop me.
“It wasn’t about him, it was about fourteen years of grief, anger, resentment, and loss, all coming to the forefront at once. I never dealt with my mother’s death, I just took care of people, fixing them because it was the only thing I could do. There’s no excuse. It was so wrong, stupid, and what I’m the sorriest for,” I step closer to him, needing him to hear me, “is that I lost you in the process. My entire life I’ve run away when things hurt too much. I didn’t want to feel love because losing it was worse, but you got to me. I saw that we had this beautiful relationship that meant more to me than I could ever imagine. You found a way so deep into my heart, and even though it hurts like hell now that you’re gone, I don’t regret loving you.”
Westin shakes his head and rubs his eyes. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Nothing,” I say without hesitation. “I don’t want or expect anything. I came here so that when I go in there tomorrow, you’ll know what is happening. I don’t want you to be blind-sided—again. You loved me once, and I hope that someday, you find someone worthy of all you have to give.”
All I want is for him to love me, but I had that and threw it away.
“So you’re going to walk through that door tomorrow and ruin your career?” he asks.
“No,” I correct him. “I’m going to make this right.”
He comes closer to me, almost like he can’t stop himself, and my heart races. He had a surgery today, I can smell his cologne mixed with sweat and soap. So many nights we’d stand just like this and the pull I felt then is still here now.
His eyes are trained on me, and I can’t breathe. I can see the conflict swirl, but I’ve known Westin long enough that this is unforgivable to him, and what he’s fighting himself over won’t end in my favor.
I take a few steps back, breaking the connection before either of us gets hurt. The tightness in my chest starts to ease the farther I get from him.
“I have one question,” I push the words out.
“Which is?” his voice is thick with emotion.
“You bought my farmhouse?”
Westin looks down at the floor and then back to me. “It was between your father and me.”
That’s great, but now I know. “Okay, but why? Why would you buy my house? Why would you and my father have some kind of agreement without me knowing?”
“Want a drink?” he asks.
I’ll do anything if it means he’ll talk to me. “Sure.”
He heads toward the kitchen and grabs a beer. The same beer that is sitting in my fridge that will go untouched. Westin pours me a glass of wine that he keeps—kept—here for when I’d spend the night, and hands me the glass.
