Page 103 of You Loved Me Once
We both stand at the island in silence, taking small sips of our drinks.
I wonder if he notices the puffiness in my eyes or the red splotches that stay on my face for days after I’ve cried like this. Does he see the pain I’m in, the way I see how this is wearing on him? Westin may not have spent days in bed, but the bags under his eyes tell me he’s not sleeping, and the dishes in the sink are completely out of character.
After another minute, he finally begins.
“The day we went to visit your dad, we went out to the garage. He told me about a lot of things, your brother’s gambling debt, how your mother had some outstanding medical bills, and that he was having money problems.”
My stomach drops. Everton was gambling the money? I’m going to kill him if I find him. God, I’ve been taking care of nothing all this time.
“I didn’t know.”
“He was going to lose the farm if he couldn’t get his taxes current. He didn’t know how much money I have, so it was just a man asking how to shield the daughter he loves from the pain of losing her childhood home. I can’t imagine it was easy for him, but he knew I loved you and would be there for you.”
I close my eyes with a low sigh. I had no idea. My brother was getting over two thousand dollars a month from me, which was more than enough to pay the taxes. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask.
“Because you already worry about everyone else so damn much, I wanted to take something off your plate. It’s what you do when you love someone, you ease their burdens, or try to at least,” Westin explains and I crumble.
He watches me as he drains his beer. I thought I was angry at myself before, but it’s nothing compared to now. I lost the best man I’ve ever known. “Westin,” I say his name as a plea. I want to say so much.
“Anyway,” he says as he places the beer down. “I talked to him about his options, and then I told him I would help. He fought me, he’s a very proud man, but I bought the farm, asked him to stay on and care for it.”
“Care for it?”
Westin nods. “I don’t want your family’s farm. I wanted to help Mick. So we drew up a very clear contract stating that he lives on the farm for free until he chooses not to, and then you take over the agreement. At any point, you can buy me out, but the farm stays in your family until the sixty-year lease is up.”
“I...how?” I say, words failing me.
“It doesn’t matter, but I won’t go back on that, no matter what we are or aren’t anymore. You don’t have to worry about your father or the land.”
That’s the craziest part, I wasn’t worried he’d ever do that to my family. Westin isn’t vindictive or cruel. He wouldn’t throw my father out because he could. No, this is the guy who learns to flash mob for a kid, buys family farms, and loses his mind when he loses a patient.
Only when Westin lost his mind, he didn’t make ethical, medical, and legal violations. That’s just my thing.
“I never thought you would, Wes.”
He spins the bottle on the counter. “I can’t seem to hurt you, even though I want to. I just can’t do it.”
There’s a mix of anger and resentment, but underlying all that, there is still love. “You have every right to hate me.”
“If I could, it would make things easier.”
“I should go,” I say.
A sadness washes around us and I garner the self-restraint I have to hold it together. I want to fall into his arms, beg him to love me and forgive me, but I won’t. He deserves a chance to be happy, and I’ve done enough damage.
“Tomorrow is the review board, I told your father. You have to go over Allison’s case file, so I’ll be there.”
I nod. “Well, you’ll get to see it firsthand then.” I push the wine glass to the center of the island.
I can’t help it, I need to say goodbye to him. I move around the counter so there’s nothing between us, waiting to see if he’ll push me away, but he doesn’t.
When I’m close enough, I lift up on my toes, take his face in my hands, and press my lips to his. It’s a sweet kiss filled with everything I have. I want him to know I love him, I’m sorry, I’m in pain, and I would do anything for him, but most of all, it’s goodbye.
I release him, drop back down, and the tear I fought back falls down my face.
“I will love you, until my last breath,” I say and then rush out of the apartment.
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