Page 119 of Could Have Been Us
“Okay.”
When the door clicks shut behind her, I look to Jack, whose eyes are where she last was. “We shouldn’t have told her,” Jack says.
“We did what we thought was best.”
He turns to me while rubbing the bridge of his nose. “What the hell do we know about what’s best for her? We barely know her, and everyone she’s loved has left her.”
I go to him. “No one left her. Her mother died and her father went to get help. We didn’t leave her, we gave her a life we couldn’t provide.”
I have to keep telling myself that as often as I tell him. There are days when the guilt is so thick I can’t see through it. There are nights when I wonder about the nights I could’ve held her, read her a book, or taken her to dance like I did with Amelia.
Giving her a loving and secure home was the right decision. No matter the cost to me or Jack.
But watching Kinsley struggle through another round of disappointment makes my heart ache.
“I know what she feels, Stella.” The edge in Jack’s voice tells me he’s back to being her age.
The loss of his mother. The abandonment of his father. The hurt of losing everyone he loved.
“Then who better to comfort her than you?”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“The truth,” I suggest. “You know more than anyone what she’s going through. You lost your mother, and because of that event, your father spiraled out of control and left. It’s history, and it’s playing out in front of you. Talk to her. Show her that how she feels now is temporary.” I rest my hand on his chest.
“I’m . . . I’m fucking this all up.”
I shake my head. “No, you went to her. You comforted her, even when I know you’re trying to put space between you.”
Jack’s thumb grazes my cheek. “How can I stop myself from loving her when all I see is you. Your strength, your love, your heart and soul are all there in her. It scares me because I know how impossible it is to resist. I also know what losing you feels like. Life without you, Stella, well, it’s not life. It’s hell, and when she goes, she’s going to take part of that with her.”
“I know, but the more we push her away now, the more we’re going to punish ourselves later.”
His lids lower, and when they open again, something feels different between us. “You’re right.”
“Go to her, Jack. Give her what she needs.”
“I’ll try.” He gives me a brief kiss and walks toward her door.
Just as he’s about to knock, the phone rings, and we both freeze.
Chapter 36
Jack
Iswipe my finger against the screen that shows an unknown Georgia number. “Hello?”
“Hi, Jack.”
As much as a part of me hates it, I’m glad he called. Two parts of me are tearing at each other. The one that says I am her father and I want this family we’re pretending to be. The other saying it’s best for the little girl I love to go back to him.
I was worried about Stella, but it’s me who is struggling.
“Samuel. It’s good to hear your voice.”
“I’m . . . I wasn’t sure I could do it. It took me all day to work up the courage to call. To talk to her. If she hates me . . .”
Sympathy flows through my body at the sound of his voice breaking. I, too, know that level of fear. I felt it sitting in his living room three weeks ago right before we were going to meet Kinsley.
