Page 114 of Come Back for Me
I lower to kneeling in front of my parents’ headstones and place one hand on each of them. “I found it all out, and I feel worse than before. How could I love the man who knew all along what happened to you? How can I have a life with someone who was there and didn’t tell anyone? Whose father is the person who took you from me?”
I sit back on my heels and wipe away a tear. “I’m so confused, and I have no one. The last few months, I’ve had him, but—” I look up at the sky, wishing I could see her, and take a gulping breath. “But then I think about how he must’ve felt, and it just makes my guilt worse. Am I betraying you and everything I promised? His father is dead, and I can’t make him pay, but you deserved so much more than what you got. You and Daddy shouldn’t be in this cold ground.”
“It should be me,” Connor’s deep voice says from behind me. I freeze, unable to think let alone move. “Your family was whole, and my father broke it. And then I did a bang-up job of hurting you.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask, still not looking back.
“I felt like I should pay my respects and explain myself to them. I’ve come here once a month since I’ve been back.” His voice is getting closer, and my breathing accelerates. “I was going to go when I saw you, but I was worried.”
“I’m not okay,” I tell him the truth.
“I’m not either. I can’t sleep, Ellie. I can’t breathe without you.” I turn to give him some remark, but when I see him, no amount of preparation could’ve prevented my heart from lurching to a stop. His eyes glistening with unshed tears as he drops to his knees in front of me. “I can’t let you go. I can’t watch you walk away without knowing how I feel.” His voice cracks. “I have hated myself for years because of what happened. I thought that, if I remembered, it would kill me, so I pushed it away. I was wrong, and I am so sorry.”
Everything inside me is at war. Seeing him this way, sad, alone, and hurting because of sins committed by his father causes me to want to wrap my arms around him, but I don’t. I intertwine my fingers to stop myself from taking his. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Then tell me you’ll come back to me. I need you, Ellie. I don’t want to live in a world without you, damn it. I’ve done it before, and I don’t want to do it again. I want our family.”
My chest heaves as my crying continues. Everything inside me is a mess. His head falls forward, and I want to tell him to look at me, to launch myself at him and tell him that I won’t leave him, but I am still as a statue.
“I’ve told them the story about it all before. I came the day after I met you and left flowers. I know you don’t believe me, but Ellie, I swear, I didn’t know who you were.”
Now that the initial shock has worn off, I believe him. “I’m not sure that part matters.”
“You know I was just eighteen years old. I wasn’t a man, even though I thought I was. Imagine if it were Hadley, what would she think if her father was threatening to have her thrown in jail. For years, he’d manipulated us into doing whatever he wanted. It wasn’t an easy decision, and then we were older, and we . . . I don’t know, we did what we could to survive and be good people.”
I drop my head toward the ground, eyes closed, wishing I could hear my mother’s voice. She was the kindest person I’d ever known, and I want to think she would forgive the boys. I don’t know about my dad, but she would.
They weren’t driving the car. They didn’t urge their father to drink and drive.
All Connor is searching for is redemption, and he needs my forgiveness just as much as I came to seek my parents’. He and his brothers did what they had to in order to survive, as we all do. Was it right? No. But they were protecting each other.
Suddenly, it’s imperative that I give it to him. He shouldn’t carry around guilt over something that wasn’t his fault or for not telling me sooner. I don’t think he knew who I was when he met me in that bar or when he walked up my driveway that day. If he had, that would be a level of cruelty that he isn’t capable of. I close my eyes and turn to face the first rays of the morning sun as they break over the horizon.
“Did you know that my mother didn’t drink?”
“I don’t know anything about them other than what you’ve told me.”
“My mother was raised by an alcoholic father. I’ve always imagined him to be a lot like how you describe your father.” I turn to him. “She wanted better for me. Even though my dad liked to drink each night, she married a man who doted on her like she was the sun, and everyone thought they were perfect.”
“The way I see you.”
My heart sputters. “I’m far from perfect, and they were too. As much as I’ve tried to idolize them, the truth is that my mother was never taught to use her voice when she thought he was wrong, and he had a tendency to make bad choices.”
I glance back at my father’s grave. He wasn’t a drunk, by any means, but he liked his beer each night. Mom didn’t care as long as it was just one.
“I don’t want you to ever quiet your voice. I want us to talk. We’re going to fight, and I’m going to piss you off. Things will happen, but I love you, and I meant what I said about fixing this. I could’ve lied to you, Ellie. I could’ve pretended that I didn’t know anything about your parents’ death, but I wouldn’t do that. Not only because I love you but also because I don’t want secrets between us. We’ve both been through hell, but when I’m with you, it’s like heaven.”
My eyes mist over, and I nod because I feel the same. “I know you weren’t responsible. I knew that before I ever left your house, but I needed time to process everything, but . . .”
He leans forward, hope in his eyes. “I can wait.”
While I’m sure that’s true, I don’t want that. He was willing to do whatever I needed to be at peace, had risked my walking away just so I knew the truth, and had offered to turn himself in even though it put his brothers at risk. He faced something that he’d been running from for years because he didn’t want me to live another day with my own demons.
I love him.
I love him in a way that defies all logic, and while some may not understand it, I don’t care.
I bring my hand to rest right over his thundering heart. “I can’t.”
