Page 62 of Infinite
“Doneforyou? I think you meantoyou! I fucking failed you!”
He never failed me and I need to make that clear. “I failed you and us. I’m the one who went into my deep hole of depression and tried to take you under.”
“I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there when you needed me.”
“And I haven’t been there since then. You couldn’t control what Aaron did, and I couldn’t stop myself. It’s not your fault, Quinn. It was just the way things went for us.”
Quinn moves closer. “And now?”
I shrug. “Now, I’m going to start to climb my way out of the hole. We don’t have to go back in time—hell, we can’t, but we can maybe find a way forward.”
He lifts his hand, brushing back my hair that has blown in my face. “That’s all I want for you. I heard you when you said looking at me caused you pain, and fucking hell, Ash, it’s why I can’t allow myself to stay.”
Tears fill my gaze, and my lip trembles. All I want is for him to stay. If I ask, I know he will—and not out of obligation but out of love. There’s a very deep part of me that wants to be selfish, but then that’s all I’ve been since we lost the baby. It’s been about me and my pain. I forgot that there were two people struggling to get through it all.
“I understand.” I choke on the words. “When do you leave?”
“Two weeks.”
His hand drops, and I shove back the tears. I have to be strong for once. I reach into my purse and pull out the box that he gave me. “I didn’t open it. It felt like something I wasn’t meant to do on my own.” I look into his blue eyes, praying that I can get a little more time with him. “I was hoping that maybe we could talk about everything and then, maybe, we can open it together?”
He clenches his jaw, and I can see the confliction stirring deep within him. He’s angry, and rightfully so, but he also still loves me. Just as I love him. I’m not sure which of my transgressions have pissed him off this time.
“What could you want to talk about? Do you want to live through all the hell we’ve been through again? Do you want to talk about how you lied to me?”
Lied? “What did I lie about?”
“When I asked you if you were happy about the ring, you didn’t say you were freaking out and planning to run away in the middle of the night.”
The regret that fills me causes my lungs to ache. I did that to him, which is unforgivable. “You’re right. I did lie to you, and I could tell you it was my grief, which it was, but that doesn’t really excuse any of it.”
He drops his head back, looking at the sky. I wait for him to say what’s on his mind. When he looks at me again, I try to keep it together. I’m on the verge of tears and I hate that I ever hurt him. “You know what the worst part is? That right now, I want to haul you into my arms and say to just forget everything.”
That has been the saddest part of this. Our love has never waned. In fact, I think I love him more than ever, but I feel undeserving of it all. I was so sure that I would lose him and that part would break me. The delusions of anger, inadequacy, and self-loathing were so real that I couldn’t see myself in this relationship.
And here is where I have to earn back all the trust I’ve lost. “As much as I want that, and I do, I think you and I have made that mistake before.”
Quinn nods. “A few times.”
I take a step forward. “I need to get help before I put you through anything else.”
“I’ve said that a few times as well.”
He has. He’s tried so hard to get me to open up to someone. “I didn’t listen, and I’m sorry. I called Clara, and I’m going to help at the lab here in Virginia Beach. That case . . . it’s weighed on me. I think it’s what made me freak out, and then you proposed and, well, you know what I did. I’m so sorry, Quinn.” This time, the tears do fall. There is so much regret inside me that it can’t stay contained. I destroyed the best thing I ever had—him.
“You’re really making it hard not to kiss you.”
“I love you, and I want you to know that, when I left, I felt as though I was being pulled in half. Everything hurt, and it still does, but it wasn’t because my heart wasn’t yours. You have to know that.”
“Fuck it,” he mutters and then pulls me into his arms, not giving me a second to think. His lips press down on mine, and he holds me there.
I don’t move. I wouldn’t dare to. He’s kissing me, and I want to freeze time. If this moment could continue forever, that would be just fine. I’m in his arms, his lips are on mine, and there’re no plans of me going anywhere.
His hands glide up my back, and a low throaty growl comes from his mouth. He starts to let me go, but I don’t let him. My hands grip the back of his head and keep him there. I’m not strong enough to really hold him, which means he must want this as much as I do.
Quinn seems to catch himself and leans back, breaking our connection. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Don’t say that.”
