Page 58 of Infinite
My gaze lifts to Catherine as my emotions bubble up. “It’s too late to set things right with Quinn, but it’s not too late for me to start to live again.”
Catherine’s smile is soft. “I’m glad you say that because you can’t go on this way. You’re so smart and beautiful and, as much as you’re going to hate my saying this, a child isn’t everything, Ashton. Life is everything. Love is everything.”
“I lost him.”
“Maybe so, but you can still try to make amends.”
“Can I?”
“If you’re really ready to face everything, I think anything is possible. Quinn doesn’t hate you. He loves you so much that he’s willing to let you go so that you don’t have to worry about him. He’s fought so hard to be a good man and deserving of you, and if you could manage to look past your own hurt and pain, you’d see that he’s trying again to give you a gift.”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
Catherine takes my hand in hers. “You start with forgiveness and deciding to let go of the past. Can you do that?”
I will always feel the loss of my child. It will live inside me, but it doesn’t have to be the only thing that survives.
“I really want to.”
Relief flashes across Catherine’s face. I can only imagine how worried she’s been. She was right when she said that this isn’t me. I’m not a wallow-in-the-shit kind of girl. I don’t usually get beat down, so when I was, I had no idea how to get back up again. I still don’t know that I can, but I’m going to try.
Right now, there’s a sliver of hope that maybe I will be okay, and that is what I’m holding on to with both hands.
“Did you open it?” she asks as her chin juts toward the box.
“No.”
“You know, whatever is in there, it won’t hurt you unless you let it.”
I nod. “I worry it’s the ring.”
“And so what if it is?”
“I worry I’ll want to keep it.”
She touches my hand. “I’m more worried you want to keep him.”
My eyes well with tears and I bite my lower lip. “I never really wanted to lose him. I didn’t know any other way. I was so scared, Cat, and when he said he was going over there, it was like something inside me snapped. What if . . . what if it happens? What if he is killed or kidnapped by someone again? What if I never see him again and this is how he’ll always remember me? But, more than that, I don’t want my entire life to be defined by a tragedy.”
Now that I’ve said the words aloud, I can’t sit. I get to my feet, not having a plan or idea but knowing I have to move. There’s somewhere I should be, and it’s not here. It’s with Quinn.
“Well, I guess the only question that really matters is . . . what are you still doing standing here?”
My eyes widen, and I rush over to her and kiss her cheek. “You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”
She grins. “I know, I’ll drive you to the airport and you can tell me all about how wonderful I am.”
“Deal.”
* * *
I’m in the car on my way to Quinn’s house. I’m not sure what to say . . . hi, sorry I’ve been a massive idiot. I love you. I want to get better. Please don’t leave me.
None of that is fair to him. He’s put up with months of my distance, only to have me rip away the only bit of hope he had. Never once in all the time we were together had he ever treated me that poorly.
I spent the time on the flight thinking about how I can change. The first thing is I need to prove that I actually want to get better. It’s not going to be easy or fast, and I have to accept that losing my child and the ability to have children is going to be something I struggle with for a long time.
It was the one thing I’ve always wanted, and it was ripped away from me.
