Page 57 of Infinite
Then I give her the box and turn around, leaving behind something far more precious than the jewelry inside. I leave her—forever.
20
Ashton
I stare at the box.
It’s been an hour since he left, and I’ve done nothing but replay his words in my head. He’s leaving to go back overseas. After he gave up his entire life for me. He got out of the military, lived with me, was the man I begged him to be, and this is what I’ve done to him.
He’d rather go thousands of miles away than run the risk of being close to me. Not that I blame him.
God, what have I done? How can I be so stupid? He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I walked away from him so I didn’t have to feel. I was so naïve to believe I could control everything.
There was no way I could keep this up, and I should’ve told him everything. I should’ve run after him. I should’ve begged him to stay and talk more.
I’ve been telling myself what I was doing was the right thing, that leaving him was the only option I had to make all this hurt stop. Now I’m in worse pain than ever, and I miss him.
I miss him so damn much.
I miss the way he smiles or says my name. I miss the way his hands are soft against my face and how he wipes my tears. I want his arms around me, keeping me together when I’m falling apart.
I lost everything.
A few minutes later Catherine walks in. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“What’s that?”
I touch the box, still too afraid to open it. “My past and the mess of a future I’ve made.”
“That’s an awfully important box then.”
Yeah, it is. “Quinn came.”
“I figured he would.”
I glance at my best friend. “You knew?”
Cat doesn’t even appear to be apologetic. “Sometimes when one best friend sees another acting like an idiot, it’s up to that friend to put a plan into motion. Just so we’re clear, you’re the idiot.”
I roll my eyes. “I really am.”
“Did you fix it?”
“No.” I sigh. “I didn’t. He’s leaving for Afghanistan or Iraq or wherever he can go to be away from me.”
Her eyes fill with sympathy. “That’s what Jackson said last night. I’m sorry, Ash. You know it’s not too late, unless you want it to be.”
My fingers glide across the box, and I wonder if it’s the engagement ring he gave me. If it is, I worry about how I’ll feel about it. I hope that maybe one day, I’ll see that ring again, in another way. If it’s not the ring, then what? Will I lose it? Will I go backward? There’s no roadmap for grief, and I don’t trust myself. I decide that I don’t want to open it until I’m better.
Whatever it is that he’s given me, it means something, and I want the minute I look at it to be the same. I have choices, and so far, all I’ve done is choose wrong. Getting in that cab was the biggest mistake I made. I’ve lost him, and this time, it feels different.
Maybe it’s because I was convinced that I was doing this for us or that I’m just this broken, but him leaving has brought a whole new set of emotions.
I pushed him away so hard that he’s willing to put his life in danger to give me space. I can’t let him do that, and I know, without any uncertainty, that if something happens to him, I will never forgive myself.
Quinn believed in me. He had faith when I had none, and looking at this box makes it clear that he always thought I would get better. I had to make the choice.
