Page 56 of Infinite
Nothing I was saying or doing made a difference. She sees what she wants, and I can’t change that.
Still, I need to stay strong. I’ve done enough caving already. “I’m not planning to stay long.”
After my call with Catherine last night, I realized that I can’t love Ashton enough to make her better. It’s not realistic or fair to either of us. She is making a choice to let our loss consume her, and I can’t fight this battle for her.
Ashton clears her throat. “Then let me start. I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
Tears fill those blue eyes, and I fight back the urge to comfort her.
“For all of it. I never should have left you like that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. There’s a lot I came here to say, not to hurt you but because I can’t move on until I say it, and I deserve that much.”
“I know you do and you have every right to be angry.” Her voice trembles as I watch her control slipping.
“You’re damn right I do! I fucking love you, and I wanted to marry you. I have spent the last few months trying so hard to make things right for us. I’ve given you space, love, and understanding, but you spit in my face. I changed my entire life for you, and it wasn’t enough.”
Ashton shakes her head as she steps forward. “It’s me who’s broken. You did everything, and I . . . I’ve lost myself and can’t handle it.”
“You think you’re the only one who lost the life you dreamed of? You think I didn’t experience the same kind of grief? I loved our baby. I love you, and I lost you both, but one was by choice.”
The baby didn’t choose to leave us. It was unfair and something that I can never make right. I’ve struggled with that since the day it happened. The guilt of knowing I wasn’t there or that maybe I could’ve prevented it if I had made different choices haunts me. The difference between Ash and I is that I chose not to let it consume me.
“You deserved better than what I did.”
“I’ve been through just as much hell as you, Ashton. I was fucking kidnapped by a guy who was supposed to be my friend. I was held while I knew that something was happening to you. Can you imagine how the fuck I felt? No, you’ve been too consumed with your own grief to even see mine. You know what, though? I was struggling as much as you, but I put aside my own shit to be there for you. I tried so hard to give you what you needed, but it was never enough.”
As angry as the words are, there’s sadness under it all. I’m pissed, but more than anything, I fucking miss her. I hate knowing she’s not there. Everywhere I turn, I see a piece of the life we had.
She looks down at the floor, and I feel like such a piece of shit, but she needs to hear and own this too. “I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to look at you and remember how scared I was when I found out you were missing. Or relive the cab ride where I was cramping and terrified I was going to lose the baby. I’d like for all of this”—she wraps her arms around her middle—“heaviness . . . to stop weighing me down. When you put that ring on my finger, all I could think about was how much I wanted it at one time and how the happiness you had putting it there would fade away.”
“I’ve fought as hard as I can for you, Ashton. I would’ve fought until I drew my last breath to show you that the life we lost didn’t have to mean we lose everything. If I thought that you wanted me, I would still do it. But you made it clear that I’m not what you want. I’m the reminder of the past you can’t have and the future you refuse to embrace.” When I take a step toward her, my body vibrates with the need to touch her.
But I deny myself.
If I do, I’ll find some fucking excuse to stay, and I can’t do that. I’m all for combat, but this isn’t my war—it’s hers.
“You have no idea how much I wish your fight would change things,” she says, and a tear slides down her perfect face.
I fight every instinct to gather her in my arms. Even now, after she fucking destroyed a part of me, I never want to see her in pain. I want to be the one who takes it from her and gives her joy. I’ve changed so much, just to be good enough for her, and in the end, I wasn’t.
“You have no idea how much it could’ve, if only you wanted it to.”
“One day, you’ll thank me for this.”
I laugh once because that’s the most ridiculous fucking thing I’ve ever heard. “No, I don’t think that’s ever going to be what I do. I’ll bring your things to Gretchen’s so you can do whatever you want with them.” She releases a strangled sob, and I speak before I lose my nerve. “I had this made for you a few weeks ago, and I had planned to give it to you when we were settled in the house.” I pull the small gift-wrapped box from my pocket and hold it out to her. “I’m going to work a job with Cole that takes me out of the country for a while, and who knows when I’ll see you again.”
“You’re leaving?”
“There’s no reason for me to stay.”
I can’t sit around and pine over her. If she doesn’t want to move forward with me, then I’ll do it my way. I spoke with Mark about going back to where Aaron was taken so I could see if there was any additional information. It’ll give me something to focus on and hopefully find a way to help him. There are lapses of time that Aaron can’t remember, so he’s filled in his version of what happened. I’d like to give him that back.
“But—” She starts and then stops. “How long will you be gone?”
“Indefinitely.” The word reverberates around us, leaving an air of finality that maybe we both need.
