Page 96 of We Own Tonight
She nods slowly while twisting her hands. “I see. And you’re not taking themnow?”
I’ve been reckless with my body the last few months. On tour, I didn’t take the infusions regularly. Then I met Heather, and I thought I could be free for a little while. I didn’t know we’d have something like this. Yes, I had feelings for her, but I truly thought they would fade, not intensify. My time with Heather has been the first time I felt warmth in my life, and I know the darkness will be that much deeper when sheleaves.
“Not like Ishould.”
Her gaze moves to where her hands are laced tightly together in her lap. “Okay. How long have you known you haveMS?”
Her calm tone scares me more than if she wereyelling.
“I had my first symptom ten yearsago.”
“Right. Tenyears.”
There’s no anger in her voice, only resignation. She keeps her eyes down, leaving me no indication of what she’s thinking. She has no idea how much guilt I’ve grappled with. But my need for her won out. Self-preservation came before anything else. I had to have her. I needed to keepher.
“I wanted to tell you,” Iadmit.
“But youdidn’t.”
Because I’m a fucking pussy. “Icouldn’t.”
Her eyes lift, a mix of hurt and anger fill her gaze. “And you thought lying to me about it was the betteroption?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I tried, but I couldn’t doit.”
She clutches her stomach and drops herhead.
My chest aches and dread spreads through me. She’s going to leave, just like Penelope. As soon as she found out I wasn’t the perfect man, that I was damaged, she took off. When Heather returns her gaze to me, I see the same goodbye in her eyes, exactly like all those yearsago.
“You kept the fact that you were sick from me. You . . . hid this.” She chokes on the words. “Even knowing everything I went through? How could you do this to me? How could you make me believe that we were building a future together, when all the while you were keeping something so serious from me? How, Eli, how?” Her voice cracks at the end, and I curse myself for beingweak.
Weakness in my heart. Weakness in mybody.
I can’t go to her. I can’t grab her and force her to hear me out. Even though, I have nothing but excuses. Dread fills the room, weaving its way around my broken heart, squeezing tighter as I prepare for her to leaveme.
“I’ve hated myself for it. I wanted you to see me, know me, love me, and then I was going to tell you. I know it’s fucked up. But when you told me about your sister, I couldn’t tell you. Then the day I was finally going to tell you, Stephanie died. After that, there was no way I could sayit.”
“And what about all the time sincethen?”
“Each day I kept it in, it became harder to tell you. I was afraid if I did, you were going toleave.”
“What?” She turns with a mix of anger and shock. “You thought if I knew you were sick, that I’d walk away from you? You think that’s who Iam?”
“I think it’s easy to love a man who isn’t fallingapart.”
“And you think I’m that shallow? Do you know me at all? I would never have left you because you weresick!”
“I couldn’t knowthat!”
Heather stands and moves toward my bed and tears fill her eyes as she touches my cheek. I want to relish in her touch, but I won’t allow myself any of it. “You didn’t give me a chance to showyou.”
“If you’re going to go, then go,” I spit thewords.
She shakes her head, opening and closing her mouth before she collapses in the chair. Heather’s body sings of defeat. I’ve brokenher.
Anger toward myself builds like blocks. Each stacking higher and higher until I can’t see over the wall. I punch my way through, each blow causing my panic to rise. She’s going to leave me, and I won’t be able to stopher.
“I want to fucking stand and come over to you,” I say, hoping she is still listening. “I want to take you in my arms and be the man that you thought you had. But my fucking legs won’t work. I can’t walk, Heather. I can’t fucking walk. I screwed up every goddamn chance I had with you. I know this. I hate myself for it, and I won’t hurtyou.”
