Page 97 of We Own Tonight
Her head lifts, and she wipes the tears with the back of her hand. “What do you mean your legs won’twork?”
“I had shooting pain up and down my legs earlier. They’re nownumb.”
Her lips part and she sucks in a breath. “Is that how youfell?”
“Yes, I knew it was happening, but I tried to pretend itwasn’t.”
Heather doesn’t say a word. She watches me with her gorgeous eyes. Eyes that I know each speck of gold, each tiny piece of light brown, and every darker spot by memory. Eyes in which I’ve found everything I’ve ever wanted. She’s loved me because I’ve been the man she needed. Because of my MS, I’m now broken, weak, and aliar.
I decide she needs to hear the entire ugly story. Let her get a glimpse into the hell my body is stirring. “My hand has occasionally been going numb over the lastweek.”
Awareness flashes and she gasps. “Like when you dropped yourphone?”
“Today, I was in the bathroom and realized I’d left my phone on the table in the bedroom. My foot started to tingle and there was shooting pain up my legs. I sat at the tub, thinking I could rub my legs enough to make it stop, which it did enough that I thought I could get to my phone.” I look over, wanting to see her face when she hears it all. Heather is a statue, she doesn’t move or even breathe, so I lay it out. “I took one step before I went down. My head slammed on the side of thecounter.”
“Eli,” shegasps.
I lift my palm to stop her. “I don’t think I passed out then, and I knew I was bleeding. But I couldn’t feel my legs.” Her hand covers her mouth as another tear falls. “I couldn’t move, and all I could think about was disappointing you. I knew you needed me, but I couldn’t get to you. I was lying on that floor, refusing to fail you. So, I used every fucking scrap of strength I had and clawed my way out of there. Using only my arms, I pulled, pushed, and struggled to gain each goddamn inch. Knowing that this was going to be how it went.” She moves to my side, and I brush away her tears. I touch her blonde hair, memorizing the way it feels in my grasp. I touch her face, wishing I could go back in time. “I couldn’t get far before my arms started to ache. My hands weren’t closing like I wanted them to. I was weak, because that’s what this disease has mademe.”
“You’re not weak,” her feathery voice rebuts. “All of this could’ve been avoided, Eli. Tonight could’ve been so much easier if you told me you were having symptoms instead of lying tome.”
“You only knew me as Eli Walsh, the singer, actor, and man who could give you the world. I’ve lived this scene before, Heather. I watched it with Penelope, so go ahead and make your exit so we can go back to ourlives!”
“No.” The single word is steel, and it stops my pity party in its tracks. “Don’t you dare make me out to be like your ex. I’m not her. I’m not running away. I’m still sitting right here, trying tounderstand!”
“Why?” I yell. “Whybother?”
“Because I love you!” She’s on her feet at my side. “That’s what you do when you lovesomeone!”
I shake my head and smother the hope that tries to claw its way through. “What if I don’t loveyou?”
I push the lie out of my mouth, needing her to have a seed ofdoubt.
Heather’s eyes narrow, and she grips my face in her hands. “Say it to me again, Ellington. Tell me you don’t love me. Look me in the eyes and tell methat.”
One tear falls from her beautiful eyes, and it kills me. No matter what happens from this moment forward, I won’t lie to her. I can’t hurt her like that, because it would be like cutting out my ownheart.
“Ican’t.”
Her hands move from my face to cover her own. “You can’t lie to me anymore, Eli. If we’re going to do this together, we have to behonest.”
“Do what?” Iask.
“If we’re going to fight this. I need to know what all of your diseasemeans.”
I had so many brilliant reasons why I should keep this from her, but all of them seem ridiculous now, except this last one. The one I feared more than anything, that she’d look at me like this. Heather’s eyes are no longer filled with fear or anger, now it’s resolve. It’s the same way she looked at hersister.
I love her more than anything in this world, and I won’t be another thing she has to carefor.
She’s done it her whole life, and it won’t be how welive.
“I won’t do this,” I say. “I won’t become a patient to you. Ican’t.”
“What?” shegasps.
MS doesn’t have a guidebook. I don’t get to predict my outcome, and I won’t burden her. I knew the day I found out about her sister that I should’ve stopped pursuing her, but I’ve never been able to stay away. She needs to know the truth of what this means for us, but I cannot be the man shepities.
“I’m not your sister, Heather. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see that I want to be the one who takes care of you!” I yell, frustration rolling off me. Her body goes ramrod straight. I watch the anguish spread across her face, her shoulders slump, and her jaw drop. I say the dumbest thing I could. “Justleave.”
