Page 32 of We Own Tonight
I place the flowers on the ground and start to arrange them. “I met this guy, you probably remember my obsession with Four Blocks Down—Eli specifically. Well, we met at his concert the other night, and I . . .” I feel weird telling my mom about our one-night stand. Not that she can respond and tell me about her disappointment, but still. “Anyway, he showed up at the house last night, and we talked for hours. I like him, but it’s so complicated. I’m not special or anything. I’m worried that he’ll break my heart, and I really don’t have much left of it as itis.”
As much I want to talk to her about this, there’s something else that forced me to finally drive here. The confliction I feel isn’t just about Eli, it’s about my whole life. All the things that I can’t control, and I’m tired ofspinning.
My fingers trace her name on the cool headstone, reminding me that everything here is dead. “I hope you understand why I’ve stayed away. Seeing your names like this hurts so much sometimes. Hell, pretty much all the time. And soon, Steph will be here with you.” I drop my hand and fight the surge of tears that threaten to fall. “I don’t know how I’ll go on when that happens. I’ve tried so hard to accept this, but I can’t. I’ve done everything I can for her, but she keeps getting sicker, and it’s killing me. I love her so much.” There’s no stopping the tears now. They flow, and I know that I need this. I need my mother to hear me. “I know she isn’t my daughter, but she’s been mine to raise, and she’s going to die. Just like you and Daddy. Just like everyone I love. You all get taken fromme.”
My hand finds its way back to the top of the stone, and I let my forehead rest against my knuckles as I fall apart. Fears that I’ve shoved deep for years all bubble to the surface. Losing my sister will be the nail in my own coffin. I will have lost each member of my family without any way of stoppingit.
“I’m supposed to help people. I save people every day, but I can’t save her, Mommy. I can’t help her. I can’t give her a life that she deserves. I’m so sorry. I know you trusted me to keep her safe.” All the emotions I’ve been holding in pour out. The crying is loud and painful, but necessary. I’ve been strong for so long, I don’t have it in me anymore. “How can you let God take her from me, too? I’ll be alone and have failed you all. Please forgive me—” My words choke off and I fold in on myself, sobbing and trying desperately to draw air into my too-tightlungs.
Eventually, when my eyes are red and puffy and my emotions have run dry, I stand and touch my hand to my lips before pressing the kiss on the headstone. “I love you both. I miss you more than you’ll ever know, and I hope it’s a while before I’m back hereagain.”
Because the next time will be Stephanie’sfuneral.
I walk back to my car, draw a few calming breaths, and then flip the visor down. I’m a mess. I wipe away the makeup that was ruined bycrying.
There’s a reason I don’t come here often: it’s too damnhard.
My phone pings with atext.
Stephanie: Are you coming to visittoday?
Me: Ofcourse.
Stephanie: See yousoon?
Me: I’m on my way now. Just leaving thecemetery.
Stephanie: Tell Mom and Dad I missthem.
I close my eyes and try not to think about the fact that I lost it over her impendingdeath.
Me: I did. They love you and missyou.
Stephanie: Glad they told you that . . .LOL.
My lips turn into a smile and a giggle slips from me. I can picture her rolling her eyes atme.
The drive to the hospital takes about ten minutes, all of which I use to collect myself and put my mask firmly back in place. If she sees that I’ve been crying, she’ll do what she can to tell me about her acceptance of her fate. That isn’t what I need to hear . . .ever.
Sometimes, I wonder if she would rather it happen already so she can stop suffering. I’m too selfish for that. I want every minute I can get with her. I’ll take a hundred bad days as long as I can touch her, talk to her, and keep herclose.
I enter the room and completely freeze. Stephanie is flirting with a male nurse. He’s sitting on her bed, and her eyes move down as she smiles. I watch as she bats her eyelashes and tucks her brown hair behind her ears like I do when I’mnervous.
Then Stephanie’s gaze shifts, and she spots me. “Heather!” She jumps, and the man leaps to his feet. “Hey! I didn’t see youthere.”
I grin. “I seethat.”
“This is Anthony,” Steph says with a sigh. “He’s my daytime nurse andfriend.”
Oh, boy. I’ve seen this look before. This must be why she isn’t fighting her doctor to be dischargedanymore.
“Hi, Anthony,” I say as I walk forward. “It’s nice to meetyou.”
“I just finished my shift and was checking on her,” he explains, as if I haven’t already gotten hisnumber.
“That’s awfully nice of you.” I look over at Steph, stillgrinning.
She gives me a look that clearly tells me to stop it. I haven’t seen her even look at a man since she was diagnosed with Huntington’s all those yearsago.
