Page 36 of The Reality of Wanting Him

“Hey, man! It’s so good to finally meet you.” He laughs, pointing to his name tag. “I’m Jace.”

It’s so surreal to finally put a faceandvoice to him after all our conversations. After talking for a short time, it’s obvious that we get along just like I expected we would. As hard as I try, I can’t give him my full attention, though. I’m really interested in what’s happened between him and KD, but I’m too distracted when I realize that the attractive woman who stopped Blake on his way to the bar is RR.

RR, who is, in fact, a woman. A woman who’s wearing expensive clothes with a face full of makeup, long nails, and bleach-blonde hair. RR who looks like the perfect trophy wife for the rich, hot, ex-NFL drafted man who was making out withmeon our couch last night.

They’re standing closer together than needed, her hand casually brushing his arm as she leans in. My heart is racing. This is exactly what I was worried about, except the reality of watching it happen in front of me is so much worse than the hypothetical.He isn’t doing anything, they’re just talking. He picked me,I try to remind myself.

“I’m sorry, one second,” I mutter distractedly to Jace. Before I can make the conscious decision to move, I’m walking toward Blake, but I don’t make it far. Suddenly, a guy who seems like RR’s partner appears, who also looks to be in his late twenties or early thirties, and as he notices Blake, RR’s hand falls away.Good.

I’m close enough to hear them, even if no one’s seemed to notice me. “Wait, you’re Blake Barclay? Like NFL-draft Blake Barclay?”

I freeze mid-step as I see the muscles in Blake’s back tense slightly before nodding.

He immediately perks up, asking Blake question after question: “What happened? Were you injured? Did the pressure get to you? How did it feel to be so close to your dream only to have it slip through your fingertips?’ ”

Blake told me he was drafted, but I didn’t realize it was this big of a deal. Or that he was the kind of player people recognized. I feel guilty for dismissing it the way I did. It has to be painful to have people bring up your failures and prod you with questions about why you weren’t good enough.

The guy walks away after RR asks him to get them food from the buffet that’s set up across the roof. I’m standing behind Blake, and RR seems to only have eyes for him, so they still haven’t noticed me. I want to talk to him about it and let him know that I’m sorry I was so dismissive about football. I also want to know why he hasn’t told me how big of a deal he was.I’m feeling like a pretty shit partner right now for not asking more questions when it was clearly such a big part of this life.

RR gives a sideways glance at her partner like she’s waiting for him to be far enough away before she says something for only his ears. I should walk away, but I don’t. Maybe I’m self-sabotaging or just desperate to hear Blake shut her down and mention me. Either way, I stay frozen in place. It’s like my feet are stuck to the floor as my stomach flips and twists, anticipating what will happen next. RR starts talking, and Blake seems just as focused on her as she is on him.Are they already so absorbed in each other that he’s forgotten me already?

“You know, it isn’t too late to fix our mistake. We both know we should’ve ended up together.” RR’s voice is almost sickeningly sweet, and my stomach fucking drops as I watch her touch himagainas soon as her partner is out of sight.

My blood turns to ice, and it feels like the air is knocked out of me at her suggestion. But what makes me more sick is the factthat Blake doesn’t pull away in disbelief, and it’s exactly what I feared coming here tonight.

Every doubt I’ve tried to bury crashes back over me at once, ripping through whatever fragile hope I’d built. All the smiles he gave me. Every laugh he pulled from me. I shoved my fears aside and let myself believe he might actually be different. That this could be real. I’ve been so stupid for thinking I meant more to him than the thrill of something new. He was just saving face in front of the cameras. I actually let myself get carried away with someone else who was ready to drop me at the first opportunity. I can’t believe I thought he was different, that we could be something real. I should’ve known better than to fall this fast.

I can’t stay here and watch this blow up in my face. I need to pull the fuck back before it’s too late.

If it isn’t already.

19

BLAKE

Producers:Would you describe yourself as someone who struggles with apologies or accepting blame?

Blake:As someone who accidentally fucks up a lot, I’m definitely not afraid to apologize.

My mother paid the nannies to raise me to be polite toward women. I’m trying to remember that when all I want to do is snap at Rachel—aka RR—tolet go of me. I’ve tried to be nice, but she’s ignoring all my not-so-subtle attempts to put space between us. Her grip on my arm might look casual, but it feels like her fake nails are digging into my forearm.I wish Liam would come over here and save me.

I had a great time talking with RR during the blind dating portion of the show. It was easy. She is exactly the kind of woman I expected to leave the show married to. But I am so relieved I followed my gut and chose Liam. I’m not having any doubts about it, but seeing Rachel in person only confirmed my suspicions that I could never be in a truly happy relationship with her. She’s beautiful, she clearly puts a lot of effort into herappearance—lots of makeup, curled hair, those sharp-ass painted nails. I’m sure my mother would love her and her designer clothes. None of my friends would question me marrying this woman.

But I would be so fucking bored.

Our dates would be easy because we’re used to the same lifestyle: living off our family’s money in New York City, focused more on image and fun than on anythingreal.Our conversation flowed because I’ve talked to a hundred girls just like her before. There’s nothing about Rachel that stands out, or that makes me want to spend time learning every detail I can about her.Not like I want to get to know Liam.When Rachel talked about her life, I wasn’t imagining myself as a part of it like I’ve always done with Liam’s farm.I doubt I’ll ever be bored with him.

Her partner, a guy who looks around my age, must be a big football fan because he immediately jumped into the same interrogation I’ve heard a hundred times now.“What happened? Were you injured? Did the pressure get to you? How did it feel to be so close to your dream only to have it slip through your fingertips?”

It actually felt fucking fantastic dude, thanks so much for bringing it up so I could relive it now.

Rachel must have wanted him out of here because she quickly asked him to go grab them food. She seems even more interested in talking to me after finding out that I was nearly an NFL player.

Then she opened her mouth and left me speechless. “You know it isn’t too late to fix our mistake. We both know we should’ve ended up together.”

It takes me a moment to answer, needing to process her suggestion. “Excuse me? What?” I finally scoff. What the hell is she talking about? I know I should say more, but I’m honestly too shocked by her comment to truly make sense of what she said, let alone form some sort of lengthy response.

“Come on, Blake, have you ever publicly dated a man before?” The look on my face must answer her question because she continues. “You were in the NFL. You might be okay with being with a man here, on a queer positive show, but do you think your football buddies are going to want to hang out with you and yourhusband? God knows I was surprised to find out Kieth only knew so much about expensive cars because he’s a fucking mechanic.” She scoffs like that's some horrible offense. She drops her voice to a whisper. “I can’t bring him back to my family, they’ll laugh at me. I only stayed so I could meet you, and I’m so glad I did. No one will blame us if we go to the producers and explain that we made a mistake in the final round and that we should have picked each other. They’ll love the drama for the show, and we can both get the relationship we were looking for when we came here. We’re not getting any younger.”

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