Page 16 of The Reality of Wanting Him

“Do you ever think about what she’d say if she could see you now?”

Wow.I let out a slow breath, taken aback by this question, and admit, “Yeah. All the time.”

I don’t say more right away and B doesn’t cut in. They just wait for me to respond this time, giving me space to process.

“I think she’d be proud of me,” I finally say. “For the life I’ve built, for taking care of the farm, for the way I love people. She was so full of love. She always made people feel like they belonged. I try to be like that, even when it’s hard.”

“You are like that,” B says without skipping a beat. “Even talking to you for such a short time, I can tell already.”

I’m glad my voice is altered through this phone call because I’m getting more emotional and choked up than Iintended as I pour out my innermost thoughts. Then I remember that I’m on a reality dating show for millions of people to judge. It’s a testament to how comfortable I already am with B that I forgot that for a moment. I take a second to compose myself, knowing I need to shift the attention off myself.

“What about you, B? What’s something you think your future spouse should know about you?”

B doesn’t respond right away, dragging out the pause like they’re really thinking about what to say to the same question they initially asked me.

“I mean… I don’t know,” B says hesitantly. “I feel like I should have some deep, meaningful answer here, but the truth is—I’ve had a really privileged life. And I’m aware of that.” They pause, clearly unsure how to keep going. “I guess I just don’t want to make something up to sound more interesting, you know? I haven’t had a lot of struggle, and I know that’s not everyone’s experience. I’m just grateful—and maybe trying to figure out who I am beyond the comfort I’ve always had.” They laugh a little, like they’re not even sure if that’s the right thing to say either.

I smirk into my phone. “So what you’re saying is, you’re perfect?”

“Oh, absolutely,” B says without hesitation. “Flawless, really. My future spouse should know that I’m a catch.”

I roll my eyes, but before I can prod them further, they add, “Okay, okay, seriously though, I guess they should know that I like to keep things light. I don’t stress about much, I don’t typically get super deep about things, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just… I don’t know. I try to see the good and the positive in everything because I know the bad can quickly take over.”

It’s not exactly a deep revelation, but somehow, it still tells me a lot about them. They like to keep things happy and easy. They don't dwell, don't overthink, and don't get weighed downthe way I sometimes do. I kinda like the idea of that, honestly. But that last part sticks with me.

Because you don’t say,I know the bad can quickly take over,unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

Maybe they’ve had to confront something hard too and now work twice as hard to keep from getting pulled back in. It seems like B’s not ready to bring that up yet, and I won’t push or ask for clarification. We’ve got time.

B was so supportive just a few minutes ago when I was talking about my mom. They didn’t brush it off or try to change the subject, instead they listened. They asked the kinds of questions that make it clear they were actually paying attention. And when I admitted I still have a hard time talking about it, they didn’t try to fix it. B was justthere, and sometimes that’s all you can really ask for.

Maybe it would be fun to have a partner who knows how to be serious when they need to be but can also break down my walls and pull me out of my own head sometimes. Someone whose immediate reaction to things is a little more optimistic than mine, who knows how to laugh through the frustrating moments instead of letting them weigh them down. I’ve spent so much of my life planning, worrying, making sure everything runs smoothly.What would it be like to have someone who pushes me to let go a little?

It’s so hard to imagine a future with someone when I don’t know their gender, their voice, or even any details of what they look like. I’ve been attracted to a range of men and women before, so I truly don’t have some secret hope that I’m talking to a petite blonde woman or some tan super buff bodybuilder man. Every time I try to imagine B on the other end of this call, it feels impossible. I know they talked a lot about football initially, but it was all about watching it, enjoying the atmosphere of the game and the camaraderie of the fandom. I'm not going to assume a fan looks like one of the players. I know anyone can enjoysports. The point of the show is to build an emotional connection, and I’d definitely say it’s working.

“You ever feel like you’re too much?” B asks suddenly, drawing my attention back to them and not what they might look like.

I wasn’t expecting that at all after what they just said about staying positive. “What do you mean?”

“Like, too much for other people. Too loud, too talkative, toosomething.”

B has always seemed so confident, but once again,layers.I don’t want to admit that’s exactly the way I felt about them after our first date, so I finally go with the truth. “I think everyone feels that way sometimes. Like they’re either too much or not enough.”

B lets out a long exhale. “Yeah. I don’t know. I was just thinking about what you said earlier. How your dad always made sure you knew you were loved, how he let you feel everything. I think that’s really rare.”

Here’s the conversation we were likely meant to have earlier when they brushed it off. I could tell there was something more, but they just didn’t know how to say it. “You didn’t have that?”

“I mean, my parents are fine, don’t get me wrong,” B says quickly. “I’ve had a great life, no complaints. I just…” He pauses for a few seconds. “They weren’t the feelings type. My mom’s the kind of person who shows love by making sure you have the newest, shiniest things and that you’re dressed well for family photos. My dad… well, I guess he’s very focused on success. Being the best at something, earning some kind of award or achievement. He isn’t cold, but it’s like the only time he ever really knew how to show affection was when I was accomplishing something. I think that’s why I crave physical touch so much in relationships. I can’t remember ever having that from anyone but our dog growing up. But like I said, it’s not like I had a bad childhood or anything.”

B’s trying to say it doesn’t bother them. It’s obvious that they don't want to speak poorly of their family when there are so many cameras recording our every breath and movement, but I know what they’re getting at. They just want to be loved for who they are as a person, without some type of condition tied to it.

I swallow as I pull my blanket up higher. “I think people show love in the ways they know how.”

“Yeah,” B agrees. “I just… sometimes I wish I felt more connected to the people around me, you know?”

I do know. Probably more than they realize.

I hear some odd noise come through on the other end of the line, and I’m trying to make out what just happened when B says, “I can’t stop yawning.”

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