Page 15 of The Reality of Wanting Him

“I hope it’s not embarrassing because I’m doing the same thing.”

I can’t seem to relax the permanent smile that’s been on my face the whole time we’ve been talking. “Cool, then I won’t say goodnight yet. Tell me something about yourself that your future spouse should know,” I ask, feeling bold as I get comfortable in my bed.

They don’t respond right away, and I wonder if they fell asleep.

10

LIAM

Producer:How does your family feel about you being on this show?

Liam:It’s just my dad and I now, and he’s my biggest supporter. He’s excited that I have this opportunity.

Even though my mom passed away almost twenty years ago, it’s still hard to talk about. I miss her, and I wish I’d had more time with her. But at the same time, I know how lucky I am to have such an incredible dad who helps keep her memory alive.

I take a deep breath, knowing this is something I need to bring up with B—especially since they’re now in my top picks.What a plot twist.

When B mentioned helping their mom with her cancer volunteer work, it caught me off guard. For a moment, I completely shut down. I think they noticed, too, but they didn’t push, and I really appreciated that.

Still, if I’m serious about seeing where this could go, I can’tavoid the conversation forever. It’s part of who I am and part of why I value the relationships I have as much as I do.

My dad loved my mom so much, and I remember how they prioritized each other even when I was little. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I’ve come to realize that what they had was special andreal. The kind of love I’m hoping to have one day.

My dad hasn’t dated again. He says that once you find the love of your life, you don’t need another one. I used to think that sounded romantic, but now that I’m older, I see the weight of it, too. Hechoosesto be alone because what they had was enough for him.

I don’t know if I believe in one great love. I’d like to think there’s more than one chance at something real for everyone. But I do know I want what they had, I want the real deal. It might sound strange coming from someone who signed up for a reality dating show, but I’m not willing to settle just because time is passing or because people expect me to get married. If I’m going to be with someone, really be with them, I want it to be the kind of love that feels like home.

Maybe that’s why this whole thing feels so terrifying. Because what if I get it wrong? I’d like to think that I can ignore the pressure of the show, forget about the cameras and what happens next to focus on getting to know the people I’m talking to.But what if I convince myself I’ve found something real, only to walk away and realize I was chasing a version of love that doesn’t exist?

Or worse, what if I do find something real and it slips through my fingers anyway?

Thinking about all the what-ifs is terrifying. But, I know that if I want my best shot at finding my person, I need to be honest and put myself out there, starting now with opening up to B.

“My mom died when I was ten,” I say on a shaky exhale. “Itwas really hard—still is, of course—but my dad has always made sure I knew how much I’m loved. My mom had cancer and fought as hard as she could for two years. She was one of the kindest and most compassionate people I’ve ever met, along with my dad, and I desperately wish I’d had more time with her. I treasure every memory and am so thankful that I was old enough to at least have that.”

I pause, and it feels heavy. This is the first moment where I've really wished I could see my date’s face, not because I actually care what they look like, but because I’m completely unsure as to how they’ll respond. I can’t tell if that was too much, too soon. We’ve only really spoken to each other for a couple of days, and I just told them something that usually takes me a lot longer to open up about,if I talk about it at all. It’s such a hard topic for me to bring up without getting too emotional, and I hate the pity in people’s eyes when I do tell them, so I usually avoid it if I can.

B still hasn’t responded, so I add, “Sorry, I feel like I just trauma-dumped. Not sure if it was too quick to share something so personal.”

B quickly responds to that. “No. I’m really glad you told me. Thank you for trusting me with that.”

I exhale, feeling a smidge of relief. I shift onto my side, getting even closer to my phone.

“It’s just when you talked about your mom’s cancer work, it threw me for a second. I think I shut down without meaning to.” I exhale slowly. “I don’t talk about her a lot. Not because I don’t want to, but because it’s still hard to find the right words.”

“I can’t even imagine losing a parent so young. But it’s clear how much she meant to you.”

“She was the best,” I agree. “And I don’t want it to be this thing I avoid bringing up. I just… sometimes I worry that talking about it makes people uncomfortable.”

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” B says without hesitation. “And for what it’s worth, I think it’s really special that you had that kind of love in your life. Not everyone gets that.”

The way that B is actually talking with me about this rather than pretending everything is fine to avoid a tough conversation is making my chest ache in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

I’m so glad I didn’t write them off after that initial conversation because they reminded me of my ex. I know I’ve probably messed up plenty offirst impressions too. I mean, four of the dates I picked on this show didn’t choose to keep talking to me.

People are complicated. We’re all carrying things that aren’t always obvious right away. Some people need time to let their guard down, while others come on too strong before settling into who they really are. I don’t want to be the kind of person who judges someone entirely on a ten-minute conversation or decides their worth based on a single interaction.And yet, I almost did just that with B.I’m so grateful they put me in their top three so I could reconsider.

I realize I’ve been so in my head that I didn’t even respond to their last statement, and they surprise me when they speak again.

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