Page 14 of The Reality of Wanting Him

That does sound nice, having someone to weigh-in on important choices, be there for the tough times, or celebrate victories with. That’s pretty much why I signed up for the show. I’ve always wanted a partner for those moments, but spending so much time on the farm made it harder to find that person.

BB

Being in a big city of people didn’t work out for my dating life any better. Maybe we were both meant to end up here, and that's why things haven’t worked out for us yet.

LM

That’s a nice thought. I’ve got to go for a bit but maybe we can find a time to call tonight?

BB

Definitely, just let me know when you’re free!

I end up chatting with RR for a bit over text while I wait for my next formal date. If LM is busy, RR is probably the one who’s got my attention next. Our conversation flows easily, and I definitely have a great time talking with them, but it feels like my previous relationships where we don’t actually talk about anything important.

I have a date with MW, then another with RR before dinner. They're bothfine.With RR, I try to dig a little deeper than our texts by asking about their passions, and they talk about fashion, different fabrics and when the best time to wear them is. I find myself doodling a chicken in my notes instead of focusing on what they’re saying. I’m not ready to write them off—it’s only day two—but my gut keeps pulling me back toward LM. And I’ve learned to trust that feeling.

When I’m back in the kitchen, I decide to shoot my shot and see if LM is free to talk while I cook.

BB

Any chance you want to try out the call function on this app to talk while I’m making dinner?

LM

Sure, I was just about to make something too.

BB

Awesome, one sec!

I tap the call button in the app and LM answers on the second ring.

“Hello?” they ask in that robotic distorted tone I’ve started to get used to. The only option for the calls is speakerphone so that the audience can hear too.

“Hey, L. So, what are you making?”

“I think I’ll make a casserole so that I can have the leftovers another time when I don’t feel like cooking.”

“Wait, that’s so smart! I need to start doing that. I’m having some chicken and a salad because I’m still worried I’ll be the one burning my meal and causing the fire they warned us not to start,” I admit.

“Wow, I think I might be morally obligated to teach you to cook then, for everyone’s safety,” L teases. Even with the voice changing the show uses, I think I’ve adjusted to the way LM speaks enough to know when they’re joking around.

“That would be amazing actually. Maybe we can do more calls like this where you walk me through it?” I suggest hopefully.

“I’d be happy to,” L responds, and I realize I’m beaming.

We chat throughout the rest of our meals. I tell them a bit about my life in the city, my friends, and a little more about my mom’s charity for cancer research. When I mention what the charity raises money for, L gets quiet. I don’t want to push them to open up about anything potentially sensitive if they’re not ready, so I pivot. I ask for the names of their chickens and tell them that I’ve been trying to draw them today. It gets the laugh I was hoping for, and the tension lifts. Then they launch into stories about growing up in a small town, and just like that, the conversation flows again.

It sounds nice.I’m sure there are some things I would miss about the city, but if I’m being honest with myself, there’s nothing keeping me there—and I’m sure Lucky would love the open space and time outside. I love hanging out with my friends, but they’re starting to settle down too. It’s not like I hope we’re still watching football and drinking four nights a week together in a few years. And my mom’s charity events don’t reallyneedme. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent working there over the last year, but the foundation has plenty of volunteers. I’m not offering anything special.

L is definitely tied to the farm, though. And the more I think about it, the more I hope I get to see it for myself once we’re out of these apartments.

Which makes me realize something else.I really hope they pick me.

I have the phone on speaker on the pillow next to me as I lay down, and I wonder if L is doing the same thing.

“Is it embarrassing if I admit that I’m laying in bed, but I’m not ready to stop talking to you?” I ask.

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