Page 8 of The Reality of Wanting Him

I skim my notes again. “MW was another standout. Their vibe board had a lot of cooking and baking stuff, which sounds amazing right about now as I eat my microwaved meal. They seemed a little less outgoing than RR, but I think I can be confidentenough for the both of us if we progress our relationship,” I explain as I rank them.

“LM is also definitely in my top three. They seemed so supportive when I talked about football, even when they admitted to not liking sports. I loved that they didn’t interrupt me or try to talk over me. And the farm thing sounds so quaint. How much fun would it be to have actual pigs and cows in your backyard?So cool.I know my friends would all love to visit a real-life farm, and Lucky could have little chicken friends and run all around the open space.”

With my top three settled, I pull up the vibe boards on the TV and fill the spots with anyone else who I think might be a woman. There are only eighteen people on this show, which I know means that statistically, I’ll be adding a couple of men—but hopefully I don’t string any along for too long. I’m less confident about the ones I add at the end, but hopefully with more time talking, I’ll know who I should keep focusing my efforts on.

When I have my final top ten, I submit my list to the producers in the show’s app, then work out as a distraction until my matches are confirmed. An hour later, I’ve run out of patience and am anxious to know what’s taking so long. I know they said they’d give us time to choose,but it’s not that hard, people.

When my phone lights up with a message almost another hour later, I practically jump out of my seat, except it’s just from the producers asking if I want to give SJ another chance.

Ugh.

I look at their vibe board again and try to remember the conversation. SJ and I talked about my sister being a doctor when SJ mentioned they were finishing up school for dentistry. I remember being kind of bored during that one, and honestly, a dentist would probably get annoyed with me. My mother’s always making comments about how it’s a good thing I’m attractivebecause I’m “not the brightest,” as she so lovingly put it. I don’t want to be with someone who’s constantly making me feel like I’m not smart enough, so I decline SJ’s invitation.

And I just tell myself that my top three must’ve matched with me instead.

6

LIAM

Producer:Describe your ideal partner in three words.

Liam:Loyal, honest, kind.

“I’m honestly not sure what to do here,” I say aloud to my empty apartment. “I just got the notification that I’m in BB’s top three.”For some unknown reason. The producers reminded us in the notification to say as much of our reactions out loud as possible, so viewers know what we’re thinking. “I don’t know how B possibly felt a connection when all they did was talk about football.”

I really want to decline. I mean, how did they pick up on any chemistry between us when they dominated the whole conversation while I spiraled over how much they reminded me of my college relationship?

But I’ve told myself repeatedly that I wouldn’t say no to anyone who wanted to keep talking unless they were a walking red flag. While B stirred up some not-so-great emotions, I know it isn’t their fault. They’re not my ex.

“I came into this process promising to keep an open mind,and no matter how much my head is telling me they aren’t the one, I keep reminding myself first impressions aren’t everything,” I say, not feeling the urge to dive deep into my past relationship trauma on TV. I’ve learned that lesson hundreds of times, and I feel like it’s a much better narrative to go into for the cameras.

I stare up at the message that’s projected on my screen as I pace back and forth in front of the TV. “Personally, it can take me a bit longer to warm up to someone new. I’ve always been a little awkward around people I don’t know,” I admit. It’s like I can’t quite figure out how to navigate the small talk without overthinking every word that comes out of my mouth. Add cameras, producers, and the whole anonymity angle, and it’s like my social skills have decided to pack up and take a vacation. I’m sure the others here are likely feeling the same way. “I know that once I get past my initial awkwardness and start warming up to people, I usually like them more the longer I’m around them. So maybe that’ll be the case with B,” I explain.

Maybe B has more to offer than just a passion for football. Surely they have other hobbies. I try to remind myself that people aren’t one-dimensional. B’s love for football could have just been the loudest part of their personality in that moment because it’s something they’re comfortable with.Maybe I was more distracted thinking about my ex than I realized.

I take a deep breath. “No one is going to dive straight into the more intimate parts of themselves during a ten-minute speed date. I’m going to bet that football was drowning out the quieter pieces of B that actually matter,” I continue my debate for the cameras.

“If I’m being honest, my own interests—gardening, my chickens, my farm—might sound boring to someone else if they don’t get the bigger picture either. Maybe I didn’t give B enough credit, and I was too focused on how different we seemed with my disinterest in sports to see them for who they are.”

Or maybe I’m overthinking all of this because I don’t want to be the guy who shuts someone down on a dating show without really giving them a chance, and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. That’s just as likely.But does the why of it all really matter?

I glance at the app notification again, debating. B’s name sits there, bold and bright, next to ten others I actually do want to see again. I had my list pulled up when his notification came through, giving me the chance to decide what I want to do here. It won’t kick another person off my top ten, but I just can’t decide if it’s worth it. I have to admit, today was exhausting, and we’re not done yet. We can request dates with people during the afternoon and night too, so I need to perk up and make a decision.

I still haven’t made up my mind, and all I can think is maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe there’s more to B than football. People can surprise you, and not always in a bad way.

Somehow, our three-hour break to decompress, look over our notes, pick our top ten, and make lunch is nearly over. Before I overthink it anymore, I decide. “I’ll give B another chance. Maybe they’ll surprise me,” I say with a shrug to the cameras.

Or maybe, I’ll just give the show really good ratings for how badly round two will go.

Either way, I’ll know I kept my promise to stay open to any and all possibilities.

I just gotmy matches back, and I’m feeling pretty good about it. I matched with six of the ten people I ranked in my top ten.

Plus BB.

I don’t really mind that four people didn’t match with me. The important thing is, I matched with my top three and that’swhere I want to focus. Even if it doesn’t work out with them, I still have four other matches I’m excited to get to know.

Seven feels much more manageable to date than seventeen.

---