Page 69 of The Reality of Wanting Him
It never felt like a good time. Between the rocky start with thinking he was a woman, then Rachel, and then how good things were. Our timeline just moved so fast, and I didn’t want to ruin what we had by planting doubt in his mind. Iwanthim, and I never wanted him to question my motivation for being with him. But by not telling him, I realize I just exacerbated that doubt and all his insecurities.
My anger seems to be enough for my legs to start working again. I push up from the couch and storm out of the room on a mission to find the assholes who gave me their DNA. The people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, but have only ever cared about howIaffectedtheirimage.
The cameraperson follows me out of the room, and I can hear him mumbling into a phone about finding my parents, and someone responds that they’re in the hotel bar, so that’s where we go. They’re sitting at a raised table with my siblings and their spouses not far from the bar, an almost empty martini glass in my mother’s hand, and a more full scotch in front of my father.
My mother notices me, or more likely the camera, first, and my father turns to see what has her suddenly sitting up straighter and putting down her drink. “Blake, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting ready?” my dad asks, sounding surprised. He’s never been one to lie, he isn’t very good at it, so his reaction seems genuine enough for me to direct my fury at my mother,just as I suspected.
“You evil bitch,” I spit out at her.
Her eyes widen, and her mouth opens, but that must be the only range of emotion her plastic face is capable of expressing.
My father’s face, though, is very clearly displaying his surprise at my insult. “Blake! You don’t speak to your mother that way. What is going on with you?”
“Why don’t you ask your wife?” I sneer, directing all my attention at the woman I desperately wish I wasn’t related to. “Why don’t you ask her why my fiancé just told me he couldn’t marry me before leaving the hotel?”
“Darling, what happened? I thought we talked about supporting them?” he asks, sounding alarmed as he turns to stare at my mother.
She glances at the camera before having the audacity to lie right to my face. “Liam left? I’m not sure why you think I would have anything to do with that. Are you alright?”
I’m not a violent person, I can’t remember ever wishing anyone else physical harm. But right now, I can’t stop myself from fantasizing about all the horrible accidents that could result in my mother’s untimely demise.Not like I have anything left to lose today.But as much as I truly hate my mother right now, I know it wouldn’t actually help anything.And Liam would probably be disappointed if I did anything to hurt anyone.
Plus the fucking camera is right in my face.
Fuck, I’m so sick of these fucking cameras! Can’t a man have a public breakdown without being recorded?
I take a deep breath and attempt to remain calm as I call her out on her bullshit. “Liam asked me if my parents had given me an ultimatum to get married by thirty or be cut off, and obviously the only people who know about your threat are the two of you. So tell me, Mother, why did you feel the need to interfere in my relationshiphoursbefore I was set to get married?”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know the answer. “Is it because he’s a man? Are we really adding ‘homophobic’ to the long list of reasons you’re a shitty human? I bet allthe queer people who donate to your charity will just love to see how you sabotaged your own son’s same-sex marriage.”
“Debra, is that where you disappeared off to?” my father scolds, sounding appalled by my accusation.Maybe one of my parents will prove they give a shit about me after all.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” my mother hisses, eyes bouncing between us and the camera, no doubt calculating how she can redeem her reputation. “You were the one who was clearly lying to the poor boy. He didn’t deserve to have you trick him into a relationship.” Her tone is dripping with false concern now, and it makes me feel physically sick to think that Liam might actually believe that’s what happened between us.
“I didn’t trick him into anything!” I nearly shout. “I’m in love with him. I told you that! And the last few weeks have been the first time in my life that I’ve ever been truly happy.”
My mother rolls her eyes, and I know whatever final, desperate part of me that was holding out hope that I could one day have a good relationship with this woman, is officially gone.
My siblings are gaping at us, gazes pinging between my mother and me. My father must have seen her roll her eyes too, because he gasps at the motion before turning to me. “Blake, the only reason I agreed to this ridiculous ultimatum in the first place was because I could see how unhappy you were. I know I’m too focused on my job, and I’ve never been good at making time for you, but I really did hope it would be the push you needed to find something you’re passionate about. Love can be a powerful motivator.”
His admission completely surprises me. My father has always been the easier parent for me to get along with, but after my football career ended, it was like we didn't have anything left to talk about. I thought that meant he no longer cared.
Now he’s making it sound like he’s always wanted me to be happy?
Could he really have been that shitty at showing it all theseyears? Or did we both let my mother’s actions overshadow his own?
“I was never planning to actually cut you off. You’re my son, I just wanted you to have some direction in your life, and I thought this would be the motivation you needed.”
“Seriously?”I definitely do shout it this time.
“Well, yeah.” My father shrugs, and I ignore the huff of complaint from my mother, too shocked by this new information.
Before I’d signed up for the show, I’d been consumed by their ultimatum for so long. Trying to find someone to marry was all I cared about until I met Liam, and I shifted my focus to learning more about him and planning our future on his farm. It’s unbelievable to think after all this time, it was just an empty threat.
At the same time, I know I never would have met Liam without it, so in a fucked-up way, I’m glad they did it. No matter how devastated I am right now to not be marrying him today, I wouldn't trade the time I’ve spent with him for anything.
Wait a fucking second.
His words echo in my head again. “I just know that I can’t marry you today. I can’t say yes to someone who doesn’t choose me for me without an ulterior motive.”
