Page 68 of The Reality of Wanting Him

How could he walk away that easily?

I’m standing in the middle of the suite, still staring at the door Liam just walked out of. He made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want me to follow him, and even though I really want to,I don’t think I can move at all. I’m internally screaming at myself to chase after him, and yell, and beg, and do whatever I can to force him to listen until he understands that whatever he thinks about me right now, about our relationship and how I feel about him, isn’t true.

But my body isn’t responding. I’m frozen in place.

Is this shock? Could this be a nightmare I’m about to wake up from and realize none of it is real?

But then an arm is wrapping around my shoulders, guiding me to the couch closest to me. Someone is talking softly near my ear, encouraging me to sit down I think, but I’m not really comprehending their words. I fall more than sit on the couch, still numbly staring at the door. Every part of me is wishing and hoping and praying to anyone who will listen that Liam will open it again and be ready to talk to me.

But it doesn’t open.

He doesn’t come back.

Is it really over? Was I really so close to having everything I didn’t know I wanted—someone to love, who loved me, a home, a supportive family, the animals—only to have it fall apart at the last possible moment?

I feel like I’m back at training camp, being told by the coaches that I wasn’t good enough for a spot on the team. That they expected more from me, but I just wasn’t cut out for the NFL.

I thought that would be the worst thing that ever happened to me, that the memory would forever haunt me as the worst day of my life.

But it doesn’t even come close to right now.

This is so, so much worse.

I thought I loved football more than anything, that getting to play professionally was the only thing that could make me happy.

I was so unbelievably wrong.

The excitement I felt getting drafted, the promise of playing in the NFL, that can’t even begin to compare to how I’ve felt the last few weeks planning my life with Liam. Every day that I’ve spent with him has been filled with so much joy and laughter. There have been quiet moments of peace that I’ve never experienced before. I’m not worried about entertaining him or making sure he’s having a good time like I sometimes am with my friends. I’ve never felt like I needed to prove my worth to him like I do with my family.

I felt like I had finally found my purpose in life, planning for everything we could do to improve his farm. Like the life we were building was the one I was always meant to live. The few days that we spent there were more rewarding to me than any of the years I’ve spent in the city.

And now it’s just… gone?

Even if he’s furious with me for not telling him about my parent’s ultimatum, how can he really believe I don’t love him? That our connection is fake or forced?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chad asks, and I guess I’ve been sitting here for long enough that my friends’ voices are cutting through my racing thoughts. They’re all sitting around me, like the world’s worst huddle, probably so they can have a clear view of how I handle my life falling apart. I glance around at the pitying expressions they’re offering, unsure what the fuck I’m supposed to say to them. There’s still a camera pointed at me, but honestly nothing they get now can make this any worse, so the audience might as well see how heartbroken I am.

“Did you really only agree to marry him for money?” Ash sounds nearly as disappointed in me as I am with myself.

“No,” I insist, because by the time I proposed, the money was the last thing on my mind. We got engaged because we’re in love, no matter my motivation at the beginning of the show. I’m confident in that.

But then I deflate back onto the couch, deciding to give myfriends the truth, if only so they might be able to help me work out what to do next. “But, it was the main reason I signed up for the show, and it also played a factor into why I was so willing to date a man when I had always thought I was straight. Well, that and the connection we formed.”

“And you never told him?” Chad checks. More than anyone, he understands the journey I’ve been on because of the ultimatum. He was the only person I ever confided in about it, and hopefully over the last couple of weeks as we’ve all gotten to interact, he’s seen how Liam has become so much more important to me than the money ever was.

“Obviously I should have told him,” I concede. “But honestly, it stopped being about the money for me a long time ago. I’d give it all up right now if it meant Liam and I could still get married. Wealth has never made me as happy as he does. The only reason I’ve recently thought about it at all is because I want to use that money to help Liam expand his farm.”

Ash looks more sympathetic now as he squeezes my arm in support. “Maybe it isn’t over. That was a lot for him to find out on his wedding day. He probably feels a bit blindsided, and like he isn’t in a good spot to be able to say ‘yes’ to you today. He could be more open to hearing your side of things once he’s cooled down and is away from allthis,” he says, gesturing around to the cameras. Liam has never loved being filmed, and has tried to keep most of our important conversations away from the cameras, so that tracks.

Fuck, I hope he’s right.

“How did he find out, anyway?” Chad asks, and I snap my head in his direction.

“That’s a great question. You’re the only person I’ve ever told about it, and since it obviously wasn’t you…” I trail off, thinking for a moment, but I know there’s only one other person to blame.

“My own parents must have sabotaged the wedding theywere so desperate for me to have.” I’ve never thought I had the world’s best parents by any stretch of the imagination, but this whole experience has really shown me just how horrible they really are. I’m so pissed off and hurt and fucking sad. I’m angry for Liam, too, because he didn’t deserve what I’m sure was the wrath of my mother, and I’m so fucking angry at myself for not telling him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

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