Page 345 of As the Rain Falls
And yet, everything in me tightens until it feels like I have no other choice but to focus on how good I feel, how close we finally are, and how perfect this moment is.
Not a single bad thought crosses my mind.
I’m not bleeding.
It’s not stinging.
I’m here, and it doesn’t hurt.
All the lies I’ve been told, the ugly words that were spoken to me. The deception and manipulation, the years of lying to myself just to hide my brother’s violence. It all falls apart because someone is willing to treat me so kindly.The feeling building up inside of me is indescribable. I will never recover from it.
“Baby?” He sits me down on his lap, brushing my hair back. “Cass?”
My fingers are shaking, trying to hide my tears from him. Beckett stops talking, gently nuzzling my head against his chest. I tilt my face up, inhaling the comforting perfume that always lingers close to his neck. His eyes search mine, gaze filled with worry and silent questions. I shake my head, not knowing what to say.
“Did I hurt you?” his voice is weak.
“I…” I press my lips together, trying to dampen the hiccups. “No, you didn’t. I just always thought I couldn’t finish.”
Get there and feel good about it.
Truly good, not an ounce of guilt involved.
“Of course you can,” he reassures me, sounding only a little bit petulant now.
I let him go, and Beckett rushes to quickly grab the controller, finally turning the TV off.
“You’re not broken, you know?” he adds, as if hearing every single one of my thoughts. “You just need to give it some time.”
“Some things can’t be rushed, right?” I joke, trying to stifle my chuckle. “But like, in my wildest dreams, greatest wishes, I thought this could only happen after years of therapy and healing. Like, I’d only be granted something slightly good after years of working on myself to get to that point.”
Mostly, I thought I’d have to be good to really deserve it. But maybe painless experiences are not something always earned through effort, blood, sweat, and tears. Goodness is something that’s granted to you, like grace itself, regardless of your wrongdoings.
“That sounds like a really harsh way to perceive things,” Beckett agrees, trying to hide a little smile of his own.
I steal his shirt and put it on me, marveling at how good his scent feels now that it is completely surrounding me. I never want to be parted from it again. Beckett helps me, pulling thehem down. I stare shyly as he lets the fabric fall against my cold, tan skin.
“You’re not very good at being gentle to yourself.”
“I know. But the others always made me feel like…” I shake my head, unable to explain what I haven’t dared to voice out loud before. It makes me feel mortified how I let them do anything to me. “I felt like I couldn’t be loved like this, and it’s just… If I knew that it’d be like this with you, I wouldn’t have done anything with them.”
“So, this was better?”
“Yeah. I think…” I cut myself off, sadness creeping in. “I think it really was.”
“Cassandra...” Beckett is about to add something else, but he stops mid-sentence, unable to keep going. His speech worsens whenever he feels too nervous about something, so I wait for him, giving him the time to get there. The words come out through some stuttering, but the message is there. “I need you to know that I’m never going to… toforce youto do something you don’t… youdon’t wantto do.”
I swallow hard. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Not even if I’m not able to—” I stare at his pants, thinking about the parts of him that are hidden underneath them. “What if I’m not able to make you feel good?”
“I don’t care about that right now. That’s because I… I care about you more. I care, and also because I could… I could love… I think I could really love you if you let me,” he insists shyly, just a tad insecure. “Ijustwant to keep you safe.”
Warmth fills my chest bit by bit.
“Like… Physically?”
