Page 97 of Viparious

I don’t care about the other fights, and I never stay for them normally, but I don’t even shower and quickly pull my hoodie over my head. I have the medicine; Vanya won’t be sick anymore and she’ll be able to play. I run and make sure the bag is tightly held in my hand the four miles home. I’m smiling the entire way. Even though I nearly fall over and slip on the ice, I’m smiling. She’ll be okay.

No more coughing.

No more crying.

She’ll be okay.

It’s cold and I can’t feel my legs with only my shorts on. The snow starts falling again, making it harder to see as the flakes stick to my lashes, and I take the corner too fast. My foot skids on the ice and I hold the medicine up, making sure it doesn’t get crushed as I slip and land on my side. My body is numb, so I don’t feel it fully, and I quickly get up and running again. I don’t stop until I get inside the house and every part of my body tingles with the warmth hitting my frozen skin.

Anika is with whichever boyfriend she’s picked for the night, and I check on my brothers to make sure the lock hasn’t been broken. It hasn’t moved, and the marbles are still against the door.

They’re okay, still sleeping, no crying.

When I unlock my door, the tingle reduces. Cold air touches me. It feels like I’m outside. The sound of the wind carrying the snow fills the room, but it wasn’t even loud when I was outside, and I can hear it blowing. My breath is white in front of my face, and I walk slowly, not understanding why. I lock the door behind me before turning on the lights to make sure no one sees that it’s open. When I turn around again, I can see it. The snow is inside, and it shouldn’t be. There are wet patches on the floor, puddles from where it’s melted.

I don’t care if there’s a leak and go to Vanya with a smile on my face knowing she’s going to get better.

“Papa has your medicine, solnyshkuh, you’re going to get better now.”

There’s more snow inside as I get closer to her, it covers the bottom of her crib in front of the window. She only likes sleeping in front of the window because she likes looking at the sky. The blinds rattle, that’s why the wind sounds louder. But I don’t look up because I closed the window. I know I did. I didn’t want Vanya to get cold.

I closed the window.

Closed the blinds.

Locked the door.

I always do it.

I’ve never forgotten.

But she’s not moving.

My eyes are playing tricks on me. It’s because of the fight, the lights, then running in the dark. It’s already three am, I might be tired. Rubbing my eyes, I blink and it’s still wrong. Vanya isn’t usually blue, her lips are normally pink, it makes her look different. She doesn’t smile as I pick her up. She always smiles at me, even when she’s crying.

“Solnyshkuh, open your eyes,”I beg her.

She doesn’t fall forward, wrapping her arms around my neck. She’s stiff and cold, her arms stuck under the blanket.

“Solnyshkuh? Can you smile at papa?”

No wheezing. No coughing. No breathing.

“Please, Vanya.”

I rub her back, trying to warm her up.

“Smile for papa. I’m sorry. I got you medicine.” I keep making circles and hug her tighter, so she gets warm. “Or cry, yeah you can cry. It’s okay, I promise I won’t shout. I never shout, you know that.” My throat burns and my lips tremble as I kiss her head. “Please, Vanya. Don’t leave me.”

My cheeks burn, and I sink to my knees, holding her on my forearms. My eyes have the same burn, and I look at her face.

She’s blue, she’s never blue. If Vanya was any color she would be pink, because she’s always smiling and giggling.

“Open your eyes, please.”

Liquid moves down my face.

I’m crying. I don’t cry. But the tears drip off my face and splash on her blue skin.

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