Page 90 of Viparious

I look up.

I never look up.

Soft delicate hands cup my face. They don’t trace a shape and I abruptly let go, knowing it’sher. She’s the only one who touched my face, every time, she would never stop touching my face while repeating,‘If only you weren’t so beautiful.’

I have to do it, or she’ll take her away from me. I have to do it to keep Vanya. That was the deal, I have to. Maybe she’ll let me see the photo of her if I do it right. That was the new agreement so there were no more drugs. She doesn’t like it when I have the drugs, but my movements are sluggish.

I blink and mumble around the acid coating my tongue, “Photo?”

My arms drop to my sides. Heavy and useless. She presses her hands against my face harder and I close my eyes as my numb fingers go to my shirt. The buttons scrape against my skin, and I keep the goal of seeing Vanya’s picture in mind to stop the sick burning up my throat.

She shouts my name again and shakes my face, pushing me back. “Vlad, what are you doing?”

Her voice cracks.Wrong.

Then she pulls, trying to get me to stand.Wrong.

The voice turns soothing above the sniffles, and I open my eyes.Wrong.

It’s not her, she won’t let me have Vanya. It’s someone new and she smiles at me when she looks into my eyes. Tears spill over her lower lashes, and I flinch when they hit my cheek.

“Get up, please.”

Dark eyes. So dark they show someone kneeling on the floor. Someone older, in a suit, with dead eyes.

I keep blinking and she strains as she grabs both of my arms to force me to my feet. My head shakes, the drugs, and she wraps her arm around my middle. I’m not a boy. The woman in front of me isn’t her. It isn’t her because the woman in front of me is mine.

Fuck, it’s Inessa. My wife. My queen.

There’s no drugs in my system but my body reacts the same as those years of being dosed by Anika. Wrapping both arms around her despite the dead weight that has taken over my limbs, I pull her into my chest as she sobs. Her sobs are violent, gut-wrenching agony.

Wrong.

Lead fills my feet, and I can’t move. I can’t pick her up to let her wipe her nose on me. I can’t make a stupid comment so she’ll feel better. She’s seen it, she knows I’m wrong, that I’m a murderer of someone so innocent, someone I was supposed to protect.

I fight the bile in my throat to swallow the discomfort that’s filling my mouth as I stroke down her back. I sound younger, trapped between the memories and now.

“I hurt you.”

She shakes her head, or her entire body shakes, and she looks up at me, meeting my eyes, still meeting my eyes. Hers are red, filled with pain.

“Not blue,” I say to myself.

It comes out on a breath as my lungs ache. Her hands slowly move from my back to my sides as though she’s attempting to comfort the air in my lungs and the soothing voice is like a key to all my secrets.

“What does it mean?”

I sway on my feet as my vision doubles, two Inessas. Both teary-eyed and hurt. Her hands remain on my sides as she moves me to sit on the armchair by the window. I fall back, landing against it with a thud and she sits on the armrest. My eyes close as she flattens her palm over my ear. My body is tilted until my head rests on her thighs and her fingers gently scrape my scalp like I do to her. There’s another voice in the room. It sounds like me and they talk about me like theyareme.

“Len said I’m wrong, that something inside of me was wrong. That I made her wrong by being around her.” Wrapping my arms around her thighs, I pull her closer, needing to feel her warmth and I look up, being weak as fuck but not caring. “I can breathe now. Just stay, I’ll give you everything. Tell you everything, even though you’ll hate me. Just stay, meelaya.”

She smiles, full of tears, and nods once, causing them to race down her cheeks. The voice was me. My mouth opens again, and I tap on my thigh, watching a tear cling to the ledge of her jaw. It fights to remain on her skin, and I don’t look away from it.

“I’ll let you have it all, let you hate me, just stay.”

The tear loses the battle as another absorbs it, making it too heavy and it hits her t-shirt, instantly soaking into the fabric. Her voice is softer, further away, and I blink, making sure she hasn’t moved.

“I won’t hate you, find me when you’re ready?”

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