Page 91 of Viparious

I’ll never be ready to relive it. It’s too much when it’s only in my head and I’ll remember her face, it’s there every night. Never her features, just the exact blue of her skin and lips. Not the color of her eyes, I can’t bring up the image of the way they sparkled. But her blue skin and lips are there, right fuckin there haunting me, telling me I’m worse than anyone knows.

Inessa holds my hands, unwrapping them from around her and I fucked it up again. She doesn’t leave me though and I laugh to myself as my queen holds my hand and guides me upstairs. It’s so she can check on Verena and I unlock the doors while we’re in the elevator. Following her is easy and she relaxes seeing that our daughter is safe.

I don’t want her to hear and be ashamed of me. She’s asleep and she’s smiling to herself.

I can feel myself sobering and my voice is rough, scraping against my throat that’s closing up, as I whisper, “Not in front of her.”

Inessa turns, giving me a tight-lipped smile as she allows me to take her to the room furthest away like it can stop the sound traveling or the only sin I’ve committed from haunting the walls.

The walls mimic my throat as they close in around me, and she sits me on the bed with her hands on my biceps.

Wrong.

There’s no appreciation on her features, her eyes don’t light up like they usually do as she kisses the top of my head and sniffles. She knows. She knows and now she’s ashamed of me too.

Disgusted. Sickened. Ashamed.

I don’t say anything, not knowing how to start or wanting to give it a voice as she steps back. There’s numbness and feeling, but both flood my body at this moment. They’re too intense and the bed dips beside me as it all shuts down. My body tilts until my head is on her thighs again and the caress against my scalp restarts, trying to relax me. I blow out a breath as my eyes close and it all sinks further into me. All the memories, the hopes, the dreams, the blue. I become too weak to push it away anymore. For the first time in my life, I let it all in and it causes my voice to crack.

“Vanya was born exactly eighteen days before you.”

Wrong.

My voice lowers further, and my cheek moves up into the weakest smile.

“My first daughter.”

I don’t know whose heart is beating louder as Inessa freezes and I say everything aloud.

“But she will…” breathing becomes heavier, a burden, as I restart, “She will always be eleven months, three weeks, and four days old.”

TWENTY-SIX

Vlad

13 years old

My ribs are fractured, or broke, I can feel it burning when I breathe, and the cold air doesn’t help as I walk to the neighbor’s house. I can’t remember her name. Anika just calls her a whore, but I don’t think that will win me any favors when I need her to help me. She’ll help, women like babies. They stop in the street to hold them and she’s older.

I knock on her door, I watch for Len or Anika, they shouldn’t be home for one hour. I can get help if she watches Valyusha and Vitya.

The door opens and I try to smile, but my body aches and she glares at me. Stupid old bitch.

“Can you watch the kids for one hour? I’ll keep Anika busy the next time you want Len to come to your house.”

Make deals, don’t beg.

She looks at me like I’m a piece of shit, then spits out, “Get away. You rotten boy.”

The door slams in my face.Fuck her. The next time Anika tries to send Len to her house I won’t stop her. She deserves to be hurt now.

I only have one hour and stop myself from beating the shit out of her and knock again. She’s too happy about having control, but Vanya needs me. I can do this, for her.

“One hour, I’ll do whatever you want. They’ll stay asleep.”

Her smile gets wider, and she looks me up and down. I know she’s going to ask for the same thing everyone wants. My skin crawls and I ignore the way my stomach hurts as I give in.

“After the one hour, I’ll even stay in your house. All night.”

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