Page 96 of The Gin Lover's Guide to Dating

‘He’s… err… he’s just a—’

‘Liv, don’t treat me like an idiot.’ Josh bangs the table with his fist in frustration. ‘Do you know what I’ve been doing for the last few hours since that woman made that complaint? I’ve been reading every single word on that blog site – comments and all. And guess who I came across?’

I gulp as I realise I’m totally busted.

‘That’s right.’ Josh eyeballs me. ‘GrahamLeeton – or whoever the hell he is – made contact with you through your first blog post. Then you took things offline, it seems. And if that wasn’t bad enough, some weeks later, you write a post to try to get your readers to help you decide between him and me. You made me out to be some kind of empty-headed tool.’

The bottom just about falls out my stomach as I hear these words. He guessed that? How? I realise I’ve possibly given Josh way less credit than he deserves. What do I do now? Deny it? Tell him he’s being paranoid? No, this has already gone too far. He deserves the truth.

I sit silently for a few moments, figuring out how to do this.

‘Josh,’ I say eventually. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so bloody sorry. I can explain – some of it, anyway. Yes, I lied about who GrahamLeeton was. I’ve been really conflicted over the whole situation. On one hand, it was just chat, so what harm was it really doing? But then I started to feel more of a connection with him; I realised that things were a bit more complicated. But it all just exists in the virtual world – it’s not a relationship. Also, I wasn’t sure about whatweare. We’ve never said we were exclusive, and—’

‘Hold on a minute, Liv,’ Josh interrupts me. ‘We’re not fifteen. Did we really need to rubber-stamp our relationship like that? I thought I was supposed to be the young and immature one here.’

I cringe at his words; so spot on.

‘I just assumed, Liv, as we had become so close, that that meant we were in a relationship. I really was falling for you. I know it’s only been a couple of months, but I actually thought we might have a future together. I thought you were it.’

He looks so sad and broken, I can’t bear it.

Now it’s my turn to stare at the floor as Josh’s words sink in. I realise he’s so right. Was it just convenient for me to assume that we needed to label our relationship? Why didn’t I give him a chance to be more than the guy I saw in front of me? Or tell him I needed more? Maybe if I had, he could have delivered.

‘You’re right.’ I screw up my face in self-loathing at having hurt this lovely man so badly. ‘I messed things up. I didn’t take responsibility, and as a result I’ve really hurt you. You deserved better. Way better.’

He looks so wounded, I want to reach across the table and hug him. I want his forgiveness. But I know this is done; there’s no going back now. I needed to make a decision, and now that decision has been made for me. Only I’m not sure I like the outcome.

I look up and force myself to make eye contact, if only to show Josh the respect he deserves, and to make sure that this moment is forever etched in my mind.

‘You deserve better,’ I repeat in a whisper.

Josh holds my gaze for a few seconds.

‘Damn right I do,’ he mutters, then gets up and walks out of the room.

Once the door closes behind him, I put my head on the table in despair. How did this get so out of hand? All I wanted was to fix my life and now I’ve blown an even bigger hole in it. I feel I might be sick as I think about the impact of all this. I’ve lost an amazing guy. I’ve lost my job – again. Which means I will now lose my home, for sure.

And I’ve nuked my chances with the one person who has always supported me: Aaron. How will I ever look him in the face again? Thank goodness it wasn’t him doing my dismissal. That would have been even worse. While I’m contemplating all this, Amir walks back into the room.

‘You OK, Liv?’ he asks.

‘Not really.’ I give him a feeble smile. ‘But I appreciate you asking. Amir, I’m so sorry. I put you and Josh in an impossible situation. I don’t deserve any sympathy.’

‘Listen.’ He puts his palms on the table and leans in conspiratorially. ‘I’ll deny having ever said this, but I’m just sorry you got caught. Your writing is freakin’ fabulous. You’ve been a bit naive, that’s all. I know you, Liv, and I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Had you done a few things differently, like making your content part-fiction, you could have continued. With no risk of people recognising themselves in your work and being outed. I just wish you’d told me about it.’

‘That’s what Josh said.’ Feeling the hot sting of tears starting to well up in my eyes, I look up and blink them back. ‘He hates me. And I don’t blame him.’

‘He doesn’t hate you.’ Amir perches himself on the table beside me and squeezes my shoulder. ‘He’s fallen for you, big time. He’s hurting, but you never know, once the initial shock wears off, he might—’

‘He won’t.’ I shake my head. ‘There’s no way. And it’s probably for the best anyway. I had strong feelings for him, but he was clearly in a place I hadn’t quite made it to yet – not that I gave it a proper chance – and that’s not fair to him.’

‘Fair enough.’ Amir nods. ‘Right then, shall we get this over with?’

‘Yes, please.’ I get to my feet. ‘And, Amir… thanks for being the best boss ever.’

Chapter 27

‘You’re kidding me, Squirt!’

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