Page 95 of Hell's Gator

“More or less. It’s no excuse for intentionally misleading you, though. I know we talked about the fact that we wouldn’t keep things from each other anymore, and that we’d trust. But…”

“But what?”

“A lot of things, I guess. Mainly, I have commitment issues, obviously.”

“Yet you just said you want me.”

“I do! But I’m afraid! I don’t want to lose me! I don’t want to become someone that can’t think without their mate! I like my individuality. I like my independence. But I like you, too! I don’t want to lose you. How do I do this?!” she asked, tears beginning to spill over her lashes.

To his credit, he didn’t move any closer to her. He stood his ground, watching her, letting her finish her thoughts. “First, you need to understand something.” He waited until her focus was on him and she’d gotten her tears under control before he elaborated. “You need to know that some of what I love most about you is your independence, and your individuality. I could never under any circumstances be with a woman who turns all control over to me. Just drives me insane to see a woman do that. I want strong. I’m attracted to strong. I need strong to need me to be strong. You know what I mean?”

Hellen gave him an unsure nod.

“I don’t want you to give up who you are. All I want you to do is to allow me into your life — the part nobody else even knows exists. You don’t include anybody else in your private private-life. Sure, you have family. But they only know what they need to know. The rest you keep to yourself. You operate on a need to know basis. If nobody needs to know, they don’t. Right?”

Hellen flashed a brief smile. “More or less.”

“Here’s the thing… I need to know. I need to know what you’re thinking. I need to know what you’re planning. I need to know what you’re feeling. I need to know what you want. I need to know what you don’t want. AT ALL TIMES. And you’re going to know the same about me. Because the only way two stubborn, extremely independent individuals can make mate status work for them is to celebrate the things they respect and admire about each other. And you know why we respect and admire those things about each other? Because we see the very same traits we value about ourselves, within each other. I don’t want to take away anything about you. I just want to be a part of it. I’m not changing anything about me, either. I just want you to be a part of it.”

“I’d like that,” Hellen said.

“I would, too. But I don’t want to do this again. Do you realize if I hadn’t been in the water behind you, that guard would have taken you out. He was right on top of you.”

“I got too cocky.”

“Yeah, you did. If you’d trusted me with your plans, I could have helped you plan better. I knew the layout of their operation. I eventually planned to go back at some point and take it out myself. And if you were hellbent on going now, I could have at least helped you.”

“You’d have followed.”

“Damn right I’d have followed. Just like you would follow me if you knew I was headed off to try to face something ofthat level alone. Thing is, though, we’re both strong. We’re both capable. We’d have probably come out on top. But you have to trust me, Hellen. I can’t put in the time and energy to build a life with someone who’s not willing to do the same.”

“I do. And I’m learning to trust more.”

Lucien simply watched her.

“Do you trust me?”

“Lord help me, I do. There’s nobody else I’d want on my side in any circumstance.”

Hellen smiled, though her eyes still glistened with recent tears. “Really?”

“Really.”

“You’re not trying to get me out of your system?”

“No. Turns out that would be worse than death.”

“I thought you’d left for good.”

“I just needed to cool down. If we’d spoken when I was as angry as I was, it would not have turned out well. I’m not sure you know, but I have an anger issue. With age I’ve learned to lay low until I calm down rather than killing things — if at all possible.”

Hellen laughed.

Lucien smiled, loving the sound her laughter. When she stopped, he looked directly into her eyes. “Are we okay? Can we make this work?”

“Until death?”

He shook his head slowly. “Longer.”

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