Page 195 of Something Rad
“Well…” I say. “Because it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t want her to kiss me. I didn’t expect it.”
Cooper looks at me for a moment, nodding slowly. “Right,” she says. But I can tell that something’s off about the way she says it.
“You know whatIdidn’t expect, Robbie?” she asks, her voice even.
I search her face, not finding any indication of where this is going. “What?” I question her.
She takes a deep and steady breath, blowing it out of her nose before she begins.
“I didn’t expect to come back to school today feeling like it was the very first day of the year all over again. I didn’t expect to learn that I was right about you all along. I didn’t expect to realize that, somewhere along the way, I had managed to fall into the trap that is Robbie Summers. The one I used to be proud to say I so clearly saw through. I didn’t expect to watch you utterly destroy me with both your words and your actions. I didn’t expect you to give what I thought was now only mine–becauseyousaid it was– to the one girl in the world that has ever truly made me feel like I’m nothing. And I didn’t expect to watch it happen, much less along with the entire school.” Cooper shakes her head, pausing only long enough to quickly swipe away the first tear that spills from her eye. “And Iespeciallydidn’t expect you to have the audacity to use your same absurd apology tactic you used on her–alsoin front of the whole school–on me.”
I stare at Cooper for several long seconds. “Absurd apology tactic?” I question her.
“Oh my God,” she mutters, barely audible. “That’s what you’re taking away from what I just said. Okay, wow.” She runs both of her hands through her hair, beyond frustrated. “Yes, Robbie.Absurd. Ridiculous. Wildly unreasonable. Illogical. Inappropriate–”
“I don’t need the definition of the wordabsurd, Cooper. Jesus Christ,” I huff.
“Then whatdoyou need, Robbie?”
I start to respond, but Cooper cuts me off, throwing her hand out.
“Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t care what you need, because clearly you couldn’t even dream of caring about what I need, much less what I want.”
“Fine,” I snap, throwing my hands in the air. “Have it your way. I’m an asshole and I don’t know anything. I’m absolutely fucking clueless. So enlighten me. What is it thatyouwant, Cooper?”
She takes a step forward, looking like she’s ready to fight me with everything she has, but then I see it. The moment she truly breaks. Her shoulders fall, her eyes filling with tears, her voice cracking when she speaks. “I just wanted you to be honest with me. I wanted you to mean what you said. I wanted this to be a world where we could work. Where you and I made any sort of sense. I wanted to believe that you saw me for who I really was. I wanted to be able to trust you. I wanted to be okay with the fact that I showed more of myself to you than I ever have to anyone else. I wanted to feel comfortable knowing that I gave you things I can never take back and to trust that you would keep them safe.”
She averts her gaze, flushed embarrassment coating her cheeks. When she speaks again, her voice is strained.
“I wanted you to be the guy I thought you’d shown me you were capable of being. I wanted you to, for once, not give me a goddamn performance, but instead,you. I just…wanted you. The you that is deep, and caring, and isn’t afraid to drop the front and let me know that he’s scared. I wanted the real you. Or what I thought was the real you.That, Robbie, is what I wanted. But I guess, if I’ve learned anything in this life, we don’t usually get what we want.”
I feel my heart slowly sink in my chest, until it feels like it drops right into my stomach. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know where to begin. She’s telling me what she wants from me–or what shewanted–but…I don’t know. I don’t know how to give it to her. Where to begin. What problem to address first. I’m feeling so many emotions, but the one that manages to make it to the forefront is anger.
“Cooper, just admit it. It doesn’t matter what I say to you. You’ve already made up your mind that you’re never gonna trust me. Don’t put this on me. I know I fucked up, I know I’m not perfect, but who the hell is?” I demand.
We stare back at each other for several seconds, our chest rising and falling but neither of us speaking. As time ticks by, I feel the fire of frustration within me slowly fizzling out until it’s just a dull ache at the base of my throat.
“Cooper, don’t do this,” I say leaning towards her. “Don’t push me away because you’re scared. Because that’s bullshit. Don’t be so quick to just let this go.”
“You broke the rules,” she rasps, shaking her head as she blinks away the tears in her eyes. “You made me looksostupid.”
“Yeah, well, I also kissed you. But you got over that.”
Cooper’s spine steels, her chin tipping up. When I catch sight of her eyes, they’re as stormy as ever, and it brings me right back to the time I did a lot more than just kiss her.
“Don’t let this go,” I repeat.
The corners of Cooper’s mouth pull down, and she scoffs out a dry chuckle. “How can I let go of something that was never even real?”
My mouth falls open.
And then the school bell rings, signaling the end of lunch. I look up towards the sky, turning my head towards where the sound is coming, trying to pretend that if I glare at the air long enough, the bell will stop. That time will reverse, and that I’ll have just a few more minutes to sort this shit out. But then, I start to wonder.
Is there really anything to sort out?
It sounds to me like Cooper’s made up her mind.
And apparently, in her mind, we never even existed.
