Page 45 of In the Shadows

“Fuck, I can’t do this, guys. I keep picturing Joey’s body inside that fucking casket. I…just…ugh, can’t.” I bent over, placing my head between my knees which was no easy feat with one arm in a sling. I tried to compose myself, but failed miserably while my brothers continued rubbing my back in calming strokes.

“You’ve got to get that shit out of your head,” Mickey’s raised voice scolded, “It’s not Joey and it’s not gonna be Joey.”

“I can’t fucking lose him!” I screamed.

“You won’t,” Diamond said.

“You don’t know that, you’re not a fucking doctor!” My voice escalated, my fears rushing to the surface and my inability to think clearly barreled through.

“And you don’t know he’s not gonna pull through. I understand you’re hurt, scared. Fuck man, we all are, but he’s gonna pull through. He has to. And you acting like a fucking jackass isn’t going to help anybody. You need to be positive, you need to be there for him however you can. I’ve been reading online a lot about this. They say if you talk to them, they can hear you. It doesn’t even have to be about anything important. Tell him how your day went, sing the songs you’ve written together to him. Tell him you love him, but keep talking to him. Draw him out of himself and bring him back.” By this point, Diamond was standing, fists clenched at his sides as his anger toward my childish behavior rose.

I had to get my shit together. For my brothers and most of all for Joey.

“Fuck.” I grabbed for my dog tags, his eyes tracking the path of my hand. “Okay. Okay. I’m gonna find a restroom and clean myself up. I’ll meet you guys inside.”

They eyed each other questioningly, afraid to leave me alone for fear I’d bolt. I didn’t blame them, I definitely wasn’t myself but resigned to get my shit together. Rob deserved better than this.

“I swear I’ll be right in.”

We walked inside together, I turned for the restroom leaving them in the reception area. Not sure when I’d last looked in a mirror, I mean really looked to the point of paying attention, but now I saw what they’d been seeing. Dark circles shaded the areas beneath my eyes, which were bloodshot due to lack of sleep and near constant tear flow. Irregular eating contributed to the weight loss which accentuated my sunken features. My skin was pale and my hair was a fucking mess. I splashed some water on my face before running my damp fingers through my hair, trying to somewhat tame the overgrowth, but failing miserably. After doing the best I could, I joined my brothers in saying goodbye to one of our own.

Seats were being held for us beside the Maiden crew and as soon as we were in them, the minister began the services.

“Friends and family. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Robert Adam Johnson. A man whose life was tragically cut short. No one ever knows when their time will come, but seek solace in knowing that when it comes it’s for a reason.”

I took the hands of my brothers, one in each as the minister continued.

“I had the privilege of knowing Robert, Rob as he preferred to be called, having attended high school with him. His love of music shone through in all he did so when he told me at the tender age of eighteen that he was going to be a roadie for a local band all I could do was laugh. While that lifestyle didn’t make sense to many of us, it did to him and that was all that mattered.”

As the minister spoke, it saddened me how little we actually knew about Rob. Especially given the amount of time we spent with him.

“Today we pray for our lost brother. A man who was loved by all and gave selflessly in return. As I look upon the faces here today, filling the chapel to the brim, a sense of calm washes over me knowing that he touched each and every one of your lives. Had he not, you wouldn’t be here today paying your respects. I ask you to not feel sorrow for our fallen brother, but rejoice in knowing he would tell you to live your lives to their fullest. To enjoy what you do and to love without barriers, without regret.”

The pallbearers rose, each taking their places alongside Rob’s casket before hoisting it up and walking down the aisle past the watchful eyes of those in attendance. We allowed the other guests to follow behind first, while we walked out last. The cemetery was on the same site as the mortuary so the walk to the plot was a short one. After the casket was lowered into the ground, the eight of us grabbed a fistful of the earth that had been removed for its placement, said our non-verbal goodbyes to our friend before releasing the dirt onto the casket staring up at us from six feet below.

As we turned to walk toward the van, I was stopped by an older woman as she placed her hand on my forearm.

“Are you the one they call Stoli?” she asked me.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“My boy spoke very highly of you. I’m Rob’s mom, Jeanne.”

I couldn’t help myself, I threw my free arm around her shoulder and cried. Not caring who was around or who could see. It’d probably end up in the tabloids tomorrow, but let them have their heyday.

“I’m so sorry,” I mumbled through sobs.

“As am I, but keep in mind my Rob died doing what he loved best. He lived life to its fullest and never regretted his choices. Those are words to live by,” she placed a hand on my face, “I hope your Joey comes back to you. Rob always said he was a sweet boy.”

I managed a nod, fearing how my voice would sound if I tried to use it with as choked up as I was at her kind words.

She turned to the group. “You boys take care, I know my Rob is looking down on all of you. Thankful that your paths had crossed.”

A man walked up, his features were similar to Rob’s, but he was possibly a couple years older, “Thanks for coming, guys. I know it would have meant the world to my brother.” He took her by the elbow. “Come on, Mom, everyone is meeting us back at the house. You guys are more than welcome to join us.”

“Thanks,” I finally spoke, “but I need to get back to the hospital.”

“Understood. I hope everything turns out okay,” he told me.

“Thank you.”

I watched as they got into an SUV and drove away before meeting the others inside the van. It was another wordless drive, but I’m sure everyone had their loved ones on their minds and needed to deal with those thoughts in silence.

Diamond, Easton, Mickey, and myself thanked the guys from Maiden for everything before deplaning in Boston. They stayed on as the jet was refueled and headed to L.A. Easton caught a separate flight back to Seattle. After dropping me off at the hospital, Mickey and Diamond went to the hotel to crash.

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