Page 114 of Here's to Tomorrow

She claims they let me believe it was all a dream because that’s whatIthought it was and they never corrected me, scared I’d have some sort of “reaction” to finding out the truth, especially since it happened on my birthday…the day before my mother killed herself.

I grew up thinking my mother never loved me. I was wrong. She did, she just didn’t understand how to show it. After I was born, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression that lasted many months. Eventually it got to where things were good and there were a few happy years. I don’t remember much since I was so young, but once Haley said it, I remembered my mother’s smile. It was beautiful.

When I was five, she got pregnant again. That little piece of information surprised me because I didn’t remember it at all, but Haley knew. Unfortunately, my mom lost the baby and her depression spiraled out of control, leading to her suicide.

I don’t understand why they would hide everything from me. Was it because I was so young when it happened? Because of when she killed herself? Did they think I would have blamed myself? I think at first I might have—especially when I was younger—but there’s no way I would have carried that guilt all that long. I understand depression. It’s not something that can be helped, and I’dneverhold it against someone.

But, because I was never told the truth, I’ve inadvertently been doing so my entire life. I’ve been blaming my mother. I’ve hated her for her lack of affection, for not loving me enough to stick around, for everything—but it wasn’t her fault. None of it was, and I’ll never get to tell her that.

“I don’t blame you, Mom,” I say quietly, out loud for the first time.

“Guess it’s only fair that I don’t blame you either, huh?”

His voice sends a shiver down my spine. I glance toward him and choke out a raspy gasp.

“Hudson.”

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