Page 54 of Can't Text This

Python:It’s a dude thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Me:Sure. Whatever you say.

Python:Do you wanna know some of my other favorites?

Me:Yes! Tell me everything!

Python:Well, you already know my favorite color, food, and comic book hero (or antihero).

Me:Royal blue, donuts, and some dude named Spanky or something. Continue.

Python:I’m going to pretend you didn’t just call him Spanky.

Python:My favorite movie is Waiting. Song is Bohemian Rhapsody. Book is Green Eggs and Ham. TV show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Favorite sport to watch is hockey. Favorite animal is French bulldog.

Python:Go ahead. Judge me.

Me:I have so many comments I’m not sure where to start.

Me:One, I don’t know what Waiting is, but it sounds like a romantic comedy.

Python:No. It’s disgusting and hilarious. There is a little love shit but not enough to make it a gross girl movie.

Me:My bad. How is a Queen song your favorite? I thought you liked that loud, obnoxious music?

Python:Excuse me, Queen is CLASSIC, and the music I like, which I know you enjoyed too, is based on TALENT. Freddie Mercury is the epitome of talent. Queen is lucky to have had him.

Me:I’ll give you that.

Me:I’m not even touching the Dr. Seuss thing.

Python:IT’S A CLASSIC, DAMMIT!

Me:Fine. Explain the Buffy love.

Python:How can you NOT love it? It has everything: a badass crusader who’s a woman, a kickass cast, VAMPIRES, romancy shit, and all kinds of cheesy lines.

Me:I’ve never watched it.

Python:Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I question why I’m still texting you.

Python:Then I think of how hot you are and it all comes back to me.

Me:You like me for more than my “hotness”.

Python:First, knock that quotes shit off and just own it. Second, yes, obviously.

Me:Favorite hockey team?

Python:Do you watch hockey?

Me:Yes. My family was big on sports.

Python:Red Wings.

Me:Seriously? No! Bruins are where it’s at!

Python:Did we just get divorced before we even got married?

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