Page 26 of Can't Text This

“You promise? Like really,superpromise?” Zach pushes.

Xavie nods enthusiastically. “Really, super promise.”

“Pinky swear? You have to say it. Say, ‘Uncle Zach, I promise to never shart in your bed again.’”

They hook pinkies and my son stares him right in the eyes as he solemnly says, “Uncle Zach, I promise to never shart in your bed again. I didn’t shart on purpose though.”

Zach chuckles. “All right then. The next weekend you’re with your daddio, it’s on. We’ll have a big, huge slumber party. Me, you, Delia, and the S’mores brothers. Deal?”

“Deal,” Xavie replies enthusiastically, then promptly goes back to playing his video game like we didn’t just have an entire conversation revolving around him sharting.

I exchange a look with Zach.

“Your kid,” he mumbles, picking up his own controller and getting back into the game.

I shake my head and check the message waiting on my phone.

Monty:I think that’s something we could do.

Me:You think? Or you’re sure?

Monty:Are you asking if I’m sure I’ll still want to bang you once I get to know you? No. That I have no darned clue about.

Monty:But if you’re asking if I’m sure I want to get to know you, then yes.

Monty:You seem interesting enough and I don’t have any friends here, so why not?

Me:“Interesting enough”. My ego thanks you.

Monty:I’m certain it could use the blow.

Me:I know of something else that could use a blow…

Monty:YOU ARE SO PERVERTED!

Me:Guilty as charged.

Me:But you like it.

Monty:You think you’re so smooth.

Me:I have something that’s smooth. ??

Monty:ARE YOU FINISHED?

Me:Give me five minutes and I can be. ??

Monty:ROBERT CROSS!

Me:Stop calling me Robert. It’s not even my name.

Monty:Your name is just Robbie?

Me:Yes. Was actually one of the things Zach and I bonded over. He’s just Zach, not Zachary or some other shit. I’m JUST Robbie.

Monty:Goodness. I am so embarrassed right now. Why didn’t you correct me earlier?

Me:I was too focused on your weird name to pay attention.

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