Page 25 of Can't Text This

I groan and shake my head. “You make me want to take a nap, and I hate napping.”

“Weird, Delia says the same thing.”

He shrugs and continues kicking my kid’s ass in the racing game. Zach’s a big enough nerd not to grant the kid any mercy…even if he is only seven.

My phone buzzes on my knee and it spooks Marshy, sending the goat running.

“Ah, hell. Sorry, buddy!” I call out, and Xavie runs to grab him before he gets loose up the stairs.

“It’s fine. Xavie, can you let him out? Just right there out the back door.”

He coaxes the goat outside to be with his brothers, much faster than I’d ever be able to, and returns to his video game like nothing happened.

“Hey, Dad,” he says, controller in hand, eyes locked firmly on the screen.

“Eye contact, bud,” I remind him.

He presses a button on the controller and sets it down, turning my way. “Sorry. I wanted to ask you a question. Can I?”

“May you, and although you technically just did, yes. What’s up?”

“Can I stay the night here tonight?”

I clutch at my chest. “And leave your old dad to fend for himself? Absolutely not.”

His lip juts out. “Aw, man, but I wanted to stay here with Uncle Zach again.”

“You’d pick Uncle Zach overme? Where did I go wrong with you?”

Xavie exhales sharply. “I’d pick you first, but Uncle Zach second…or maybe Marshy.”

“You’d put my own goat in front of me? That’s messed up,” Zach says.

“BURN!” I yell. “But, seriously, kiddo, you want to stay here?”

He bobs his head up and down. “Like old times.”

Ah, that’s it—he’s missing being here with Zach.

I have to admit, I do too sometimes—but only for the super cheap room and board, not the actual living with Zach part, of course.

“Um, allow me to chime in here right quick.” Zach points to Xavie. “You are not allowed to stay here…ever. Not again.”

Xavie’s bottom lip begins to tremble. “W-Why not?”

“Because youshaton my bed, that’s why.”

“I sharted!”

“I know!” Zach hollers back. “And it got all over my bed.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“No one sharts on purpose, Xavie. No one.”

“What if I promise not to shart again?”

It takes everything Zach has not to laugh. I can tell by the way his lips are twitching and his eyes are beginning to crinkle around the edges.

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