Page 127 of Secondhand Smoke
He didn’t want to talk about it. But Nell was dying to talk about it.
She wanted to apologize, tell him how much she loved him, and beg him not to leave her.
She was terrified. She needed him. She needed him so badly that her mouth was growing dry, her hands shaky.
She needed him so badly that she didn’t get a bag from Tina this time. She’d already betrayed his trust and lied to him enough. She would stop right now and start fresh.
She would do it for him.
But none of this was helping. Not being able to talk to him, or have him tell her he loves her or touch her—it was starting to strip her bare.
It just made her want it more.
She found herself reaching into her pocket, only to find it empty each time.
She tried everything to distract herself.
She drank multiple cups of water. She tried to play Sandra, but she couldn’t keep her hands from shaking long enough to make it sound any good.
She watched TV. Then cleaned the kitchen. Then made the bed. Then picked up the floor. Then stared at the dresser.
She stared at the dresser for a long time, nibbling on her pinkie.
I shouldn’t. She thought it over and over again.
But just one more time. It will be fine. She thought once, and that was all it took.
She pulled the drawer open and dug through the socks like she’d done a million times since discovering where he kept his merchandise. She’d been careful to only use it when absolutely necessary. Usually, once she ran out of what she got from Tina. It was just small amounts here and there when Barrett was at work or busy recording with the others and she needed a pick-me-up.
So, a tiny bit wouldn’t hurt. It never had before.
But it wasn’t there.
Nothing was.
No lunch tin, no bags, or pills or powder or joints. Nothing.
Nell’s chest felt like it was going to implode, and her breathing grew shallow.
She sat on the ground with her back to the dresser and sobbed into her hands.
* * *
Barrett didn’t think she could handle it. That’s why he’d done it, wasn’t it?
Somehow, he’d found out about her taking from his stash, and he’d hidden it because he thought she couldn’t handle it.
But she could. Shecouldhandle it. And she would prove it to him.
She tucked her knees into her chest, sitting on Barrett’s porch, and watched every car pass. At some point, soft flakes had started falling and melting on her arms, but the road wasn’t totally covered yet, which was good.
Her breathing had become a little heavier every minute Barrett still wasn’t home, but that defeated the purpose of this whole thing. So she swallowed it down and ignored the sinking in her stomach.
It was already dark when Barrett’s van finally pulled up. Nell smiled, standing, her hands wringing together.
Barrett stepped out of the van, his face still as he walked toward her with his hands stuffed into his pockets.
Nell huffed a visible breath of air at the sight of him. She almost felt like she could breathe again when he was there.
