Page 129 of Secondhand Smoke
No. No. This couldn’t happen.
If she reacted to any of this, Barrett wouldn’t trust her. But he had to. She had to be okay, or he would never smile at her again. He would take it away from her.
She heard his voice somewhere in her mind, fading behind other thoughts and memories.
She was better now. She could handle this, she was fine without her parents, and she didn’t have a problem. No, she was fine. If she wasn’t, he would leave. So, she had to be fine.
Barrett said something, and she nodded, murmuring, “Uh huh,” to prove she was okay.
She was okay. She could handle this. She was ready for this, and he could trust her.
“Nell!”
His voice cut through her affirmations, and she looked to him. His eyes were frantic, and he held onto the side of the door like he was bracing himself. “Slow down. Stop the car!”
Nell blinked, then looked back at the speedometer, which read nearly double the speed limit on this road.
Her heart stilled, and she slammed on the brakes.
It had to be luck or divine intervention that they came to a standstill in the middle of the road.
The last time had been different.
Nell stared at her hands, her entire body trembling. The snow continued to fall softly on the windshield, building up and oblivious to the terror thriving in the silence of the van’s interior.
Then she broke.
Her head fell onto the steering wheel, and she cried all the tears she thought had run out. Her sobs filled the van, ruining everything.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Barrett’s voice was merely a whisper, yet she could hear the disappointment behind it.
No. No.It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
“You could have—”
He stopped, but he didn’t need to finish. She knew exactly what he was going to say.
“You could have killed us. Just like you killed them.”
Nell turned to him. His eyes were already guilty with the words he hadn’t said.
She grabbed his hands, pulling them to her and smiling through the hiccupping sobs. “Please, Scott. I promise I can handle it. Just a little bit, please. It helps. I feel fine with it; this wouldn’t have happened like this. I swear I’m okay. I can handle it, I promise.” She grinned.
Barrett looked at her, and she wished she could understand what that look on his face was. She didn’t recognize it.
“This can be the last time. Just for today, okay? I’ll feel so much better after.” Her cheeks started hurting, and the tears would not stop.
Barrett grabbed her, pulling her into his body as she murmured the same assurances over and over again into his shoulder. He was shaking too, she realized.
It was all a blur after that. Somehow, he’d moved her to the passenger side and she’d fallen asleep. When she woke, dazed and delirious, it was in his arms as he carried her into the house and laid her in his bed.
She didn’t have the energy to keep her eyes open as he removed his coat and tucked her under the covers. She was gladshe was awake at the end, though, to the feel of him brushing her hair softly, his lips brushing her forehead and cheeks.
His words were almost like a dream as she drifted off. “I’m so sorry.”
She fell asleep before she could say them back.
50 - Barrett
