Page 96 of Forever and Ever

Merry doesn’t talk about her family often, but I know that she is really close with them. Or, at least, she was before she came on tour with us. But their rift isn’t like the one I have with mine, it’s out of love, not judgment. They worry about her, and it’s understandable given the shitstorm around us on a daily basis.

In time, I have no doubt they will be able to reconcile whatever gap exists between them. And I want that for her, especially after hearing her song today.

“You guys all right?” Adrian asks, not looking over his shoulder at me.

I sit down on the couch and tip my head back to stare at the ceiling. “We’re good.”

It’s a half-truth. I don’t feel unsettled about Merry and me specifically, it’s everything else I can’t seem to get a grip on. Things outside my control, that if I could just stop from spinning it would all make sense.

“Whatever you say.” Adrian spins around in his chair fully to face me.

I grab the water off the table in front of me and take a long drink. Being exhausted isn’t helping my mood, so it’s going to be a long fucking day.

“You’re in a relationship, so you know how it can be,” I say to Adrian.

“Complicated.” He half shrugs. This dude is so weird about certain things.

I nod. “And this is Merry we’re talking about. The woman does not give a fucking inch. It’s infuriating.”

Adrian tips his head back and laughs, which is surprising because Adrian doesn’t really react to much of anything.

“Noah, you’re the kind of guy who can’t turn down a challenge.” Adrian grins. “But Merry is going to bring even you to your limits. You know I think she’s great. She puts up with my shit, and that’s saying a lot because I’m not an easy guy to get along with. But she’s a steel wall about some things and you’re gonna bash your head in if you don’t learn how to figure another way around it.”

I shake my head because he’s right. Going straight at these conversations with Merry is getting me nowhere, and I don’t want to lose her, or myself, in the process.

“I love her, man.”

Adrian nods his head. “I know. You guys will figure it out.”

I think back to when we first got to Denver and Adrian made that offhand comment about how he thought something was going on with her. If only he knew. She’s been holding in a lot of shit instead of processing it, and I’m a little afraid what’s going to happen when she finally lets it out.

My phone pings and I look down to see my mom has texted me.

“Fuck.” I groan, and Adrian looks down at my phone in my hands.

“Don’t tell me it’s Rome getting into trouble.”

I shake my head. “Worse, it’s my mother.”

Adrian lifts an eyebrow. The whole band knows I’m not close with my family, and that at this point, it’s better that way, because all they do is make me feel worse about who I am.

Opening the text, I see some long ramble about Kali coming to visit me. Something in there references Merry, even if not by name. And how she’s disappointed I’m living in sin with a “Devil’s whore” who is corrupting me.

Somehow, after all this time, she still thinks she has room to judge. And maybe it’s that I’ve let her. I’ve been quiet while my family brushed me off, crucified me, and abandoned me as their son. I’ve pretended it had no impact, when really, it ate away at the person I was. It made me doubt who I actually am.

But I’m done with their judgements.

I scroll to the end of her long text and don’t bother reading it in full because I don’t need to hear what she thinks when she has no desire to be in my life. She might think she can keep me on a string forever, but I’m ready to cut it. The people who really care are here for me, and that’s all that matters.

My thumbs are flying over the letters so fast, I feel out of breath from typing.

Noah:I love you Mom, always will. Dad, too. But if you’re going to reach out only to berate me and talk down on the woman I love, then I no longer want to hear it. I’ve been quiet and tried to help you understand my life. But you either aren’t willing or can’t. When you decide you want to be in my life, the door is open. But until then, I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t have room inside me for your judgement anymore.

It’s ironic to me that Merry thought I pictured a certain cookie-cutter life for myself. Something resembling what I grew up with. Honestly, I’d be fine with the exact opposite as long as it made us both feel content.

I hit send on my text and breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve been carrying around the weight of my family’s opinions for years, letting it chip me away to nothing. I’m not doing it anymore.

“What does your mom want?” Adrian asks. “Something about the ex?”

---