Page 95 of Forever and Ever

My eyes open, and that’s when I realize there are tears trying to get out. I think about the rift with my parents for the past year, and how even if I pretended not to care, the idea ofhomebecame something of a figment because of it.

I think about Noah, now sitting on the couch staring at me. The selfish way I drain him of all his goodness and somehow, I still feel lost.

I think about the pieces of me that have already been taken, and how those holes might grow in size until I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fill them.

Dipping my chin down, I wipe my cheeks and close my notebook, taking a deep breath. All I can control is myself in this moment. And I will not break down before I’ve even fought the battle.

“That was beautiful, Merry,” Adrian’s voice comes through the headset.

I look up at him and give him a nod. I’ll probably still have to sing it twenty more times to get it right and tweak every vocal, but that was the cleanest first try we’ve laid down and I feel good about that.

“Let’s take ten,” he says. “I need to make some adjustments and then we’ll go back in for just the chorus. Get some water if you need it.”

I nod and take off the headset, as the dullest amount of pain festers deep inside me. But I try not to let it show on my face, so Noah doesn’t start to worry. Maybe it’s denial, or maybe I’m just imagining it.

Noah meets me at the door and plants a quick kiss on my lips as I walk up to him.

“You make the angels jealous,” he says, giving me a smile that I’ve missed on him all morning.

I shake my head. “I don’t know about that.”

“I do,” he says, and he wraps his hands up into the hair at the base of my skull and holds me. “I’ve never heard anything more beautiful.”

Lifting onto my toes, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and give him a deep kiss. If there is light bright enough to bloom what’s buried in my darkness, he would be the sun to bring it to existence.

My heart races in my chest, and I want to run away with him, where it’s just the two of us. To places where the problems of the world can’t reach us.

I want to be his forever.

Untouchable.

Another dull ache strikes me somewhere deep, and I pull away, but it must not show on my face, because Noah is looking down at me and smiling.

“I’m going to use the bathroom.” I give him another quick kiss on the lips, before unwinding myself from him.

He hangs back to talk to Adrian as I make my way up the staircase and down the hallway. Throbbing is starting between my temples, and I try to remember how much food and water I’ve had today because I feel lightheaded all of a sudden.

As I make my way into the bathroom, I lock the door, before walking over to the sink and splashing water on my face. I’m not sure if it’s adrenaline from singing, but everything is fuzzy around the edges. Reaching for a towel, a sharp pain stabs through me with such force that I hunch over.

It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before, wrapping all the way around my spine. My body feels like it’s heaving from somewhere deep, and I wrap my arms around myself to clutch it, but it does nothing.

“Noah,” I say, but it’s barely a whisper as I take a step forward.

The sharp stabbing pain runs through me again, so intense my knees buckle, and spots cloud my vision.

What is happening?

My mind is racing, and my heart is pounding in my chest. I can barely think or breathe.

“Noah,” I say again, but I don’t think it actually comes out. Or I never hear it because my body gives out beneath me and it’s just darkness.

29

Noah

IwatchMerrydisappearup the stairs with her song still playing in my head. For a girl so hard on the outside, her music shares a lot more of her than I expected. All I want to do when I listen to her sing is go in there and hold her. I want to promise her that everything is going to be better.

If only I believed it.

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