Page 77 of Forever and Ever

“I won’t argue with that. Anything to keep your arms wrapped tight around me.” Noah looks back at me and winks.

Tiny gestures from him do massive things inside.

I almost pull Noah to me and kiss him right here in the middle of the path, but another couple approaching stops me. This must be a well-known hiking trail because I didn’t expect anyone to be out here on such a hot day.

As they walk by, they give us a cordial nod. The woman's stare lingers on Noah and I wonder if she recognizes him. Finally glancing away, she looks down at something strapped to her chest and my eyes follow. She's cradling a sleeping baby.

“I want that,” Noah says when the couple disappears behind us. Three words and my stomach sinks because I know where this is going. “Our kids are coming everywhere with us. On hikes, on tour. Everywhere.”

“Noah…” I warn.

“Just saying, not right now or anything.” He keeps walking, and I’m not sure if he realizes that he’s now pulling me behind him. “But in the future, you know—our babies will be the perfect mix of you and me. Wild and happy.”

He thinks nothing of his comment when actually it’s a knife to my chest.

“Stop.” I pull my hand away, getting frustrated because he won’t just let this go. “You can’t say shit like that, Noah.”

“What?” His eyebrows pinch as he turns to face me. “Come on, Merry. You know I say whatever’s on my mind, especially when it comes to you. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to knock you up…yet.”

He winks, but while it’s playful, the gesture sours my stomach.

“That’s not it.” I feel my voice catching in my throat.

“Then what is it?” He looks me over, his smile falling. “I thought you were in this. Don’t start pushing because of one dumb comment.”

I take a step back and run my fingers through my hair. The sun beating down feels scalding, and my heart races.

“You don’t understand.”

“Then make me.” He takes another step forward. “Stop defaulting to a battle and let me in.”

“I can’t give you what you want, Noah,” I yell, surprising us both, and it takes the last of my fight out of me.

Noah stands there still and quiet, as calm as ever. “What do you think I want?”

Tucking my hands in my pockets, I know there’s no more running. No more hiding. Noah deserves more than I’ve ever given him, and he’s owed the truth, even if it breaks us before we’ve really started.

“I can’t have kids, okay?” I stare at him and try to hold onto my last ounce of composure. “At least, I probably won’t be able to. Ever since I was young, I’ve struggled with uterine fibroids, and I had to have surgery a few years ago to get them removed. Only, it got messy, and there was a lot of scarring.”

I feel the tears brimming in my eyes, and I try with all my might to stop them from falling.

I’m not the girl who feels sorry for herself.

I’m not the girl who cries.

This is my life, there’s no use complaining.

I’ve lived with this since I was fourteen when I started having more intense periods than other girls my age. Except, it wasn’t a period. And I wasn’t just a girl going through puberty, I was starting what would be a long battle with my body betraying me. Something I learned how to deal with by convincing myself it didn’t matter—I didn’t care.

Never letting anyone close to the truth, even myself.

“That should have been it, but last year, my doctor confirmed that new ones were growing, and…” I take a deep breath, trying to stop the spinning in my head “…I feel it like I did before. They’re going to have to go back in. I don’t know when, but probably soon. And even if they can get away with just another surgery to remove them, more can grow. And even if they can save my uterus, the damage is already done. The chance of me ever having kids is so small there’s no point thinking about it. So that’s the truth, Noah. What you want from me—or from life in general—a wife, kids, a traditional family. I’m not going to be able to give that to you. There won’t be any babies that arethe perfect mix of you and me. It’s not going to happen and so you can’t just say that like it has no effect.”

My heartbeat pulses in my throat. It thunders between my temples. Noah is standing there silently staring at me like he’s been shot and is still in shock from the pain.

“It’s not that I never wanted to be with you,” I admit. If I’m going to let this out, then there’s no use holding back now. “I can be a really fun girlfriend. We can have a lot of great sex. But I know eventually, you’ll want more, and I didn’t want to have to face that day when it would inevitably happen.”

Finally, Noah takes a step toward me, but his eyes drop down, all the way to my stomach. He lifts a hand and places it right over the place I’m permanently broken, and I wish the gesture brought me some comfort, but all I can think about is the pain.

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