Page 42 of Matched

“So I decided to play Cupid for your second match, and when I saw you again after that date, you were exactly the same. Uh…after you got over your hangover. Really happy, talking about Charlie, acting like you do when you have a crush on someone.”

“Crush,” I spat. “It wasn’t a fucking crush. Who even says crush?”

Jonas ignored my comments. “I get that you feel guilty about Sophie. But do you—” He paused, licking his lips. “—do you think part of this is you freaking out because you think you’re straight?”

“What do you mean, I think I’m straight? Iamstraight.”

“I hate to break it to you, mate, but straight men don’t go around kissing other men as a general rule.”

There was silence as I processed his words. “Okay, maybe I’m not one hundred percent straight. I… Fucking hell, this is hard to talk about.” I banged my head back against the wall, lettingmy eyes close while Jonas waited patiently next to me. I couldn’t imagine even having this conversation with any of my other friends, but this was Jonas. My best mate, who I knew wouldn’t judge me. “When I was younger, I noticed boys sometimes. Uh. I started a new school when I was thirteen when we moved house, and I wanted to fit in. It’s probably stupid, looking back on it. I dunno. My friends probably wouldn’t have cared. Or maybe they would have. I just wanted to fit in, and it was easier to just ignore that part of me. I liked plenty of girls, and I guess I suppressed the part of me that liked boys, too. At the time, I wanted to be a professional footballer, and there were no out players in the Premier League, and I dunno, there’s a lot of homophobia in football.”

“Mate.” Jonas squeezed my shoulder. When I opened my eyes, I found his gaze full of empathy. “I get it. It’s really fucking sad, but I get it. This world is shit, sometimes.” He shook his head, huffing out a soft laugh. “Honestly, I never had any inkling you were anything other than straight until you came back from that first date with Charlie. It surprised me, but I want you to know I don’t have any problems with who you wanna be with.”

“Thanks. I guess I got so used to suppressing that part of me, not even letting myself look at other boys, that it was just…easier to convince myself I was straight. That’s another thing I feel guilty about, too. I shouldn’t— It’s not like it’s something I should be ashamed of. I should have fucking owned it.” Oh, fuck, my vision was blurring again. Swiping my hand across my eyes, I sucked in a shuddering breath. “I shouldn’t be having a fucking sexuality crisis at twenty-one.”

“Everyone processes things differently. I don’t think age matters. Take me, for example. Did you know that I’ve lived for twenty-one years thinking I hated olives? Then last weekend, Jada’s gran put some in the pasta she was serving, and guesswhat? I accidentally ate one and realised I liked them. Twenty-one years. Twenty. One. Years.”

Despite everything, I laughed. And that was why Jonas was my best friend. He always knew what to say to make it better. “I don’t think this situation isquitethe same as you learning you like olives.”

He grinned at me. “I know it’s not, but my point still stands. Now we’ve established that you do, indeed, fancy Charlie, what are you gonna do?”

Shaking my head, I sighed. “Try to forget about it. Apologise to him. I owe him that much, at least.”

“You’re really going to forget about it?”

“What else am I supposed to do? I dragged him into the toilets. He said he felt guilty for thinking of me when he was kissing her. He kissed my sister, Jonas. She really likes him. They’ve been on a proper fucking date, not even one that was engineered by you. I haven’t forgotten that little revelation, by the way.”

“I am honestly sorry about that. I thought it would be good for you. If I’d known what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it.”

“I know.” Letting my eyes fall closed again, I sighed. “You haven’t managed to program a time machine, have you?”

“Sorry, no. Not yet.”

“Okay. In that case, I guess…I need to apologise to Charlie for getting him into that situation and for running away instead of facing up to my problems. Then I need to forget about him. It’s not like… Even if there was a magical situation where my sister wasn’t involved, and it turned out he was somehow into me, I wouldn’t want to start anything up with him. I’ll be gone soon.”

I opened my eyes to see Jonas giving me a sad smile. “One day, you’ll find someone that makes you want to stay.”

“Maybe one day.” Stretching out my legs, I nodded in the direction of the doorway. “Since I cut your evening with your girlfriend short, why don’t I treat you to pizza?”

“I’ll never say no to pizza.”

“Want me to order one with olives?”

Jonas laughed. “Nah, I’m good. I like them now, but not that much.” Clambering off my bed, he glanced down at me. “Didn’t you eat earlier? On your date?”

“The date that lasted all of half an hour because I couldn’t stop thinking about Charlie and how fucking jealous I was of my own sister? Funnily enough, food wasn’t on my mind.”

“Ah. Yeah. Okay. In that case, we’ll get two—no, three pizzas.”

“Deal.” Swinging my legs off the edge of my bed, I stood. “Jonas?”

“Yeah?”

“Did I really act that happy after my dates with Charlie?”

He nodded, giving me another sad smile. “Yeah. You really, really did.”

16

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