Page 52 of I Always Will

Looking at the rows of CDs Hailey still displayed in her living room, Alexandria knew she’d made the right choice by continuing to burn the CDs.

She also knew that the itching desire to give Hailey the CDs was not the right choice. Some weird, desperate hope that they would fix everything juxtaposed against the obvious self-sabotage such a desire indicated. She’d known when she started that they were only good for the inside of a trunk, and she knew it now.

However, she couldn’t help but wonder whether those journals were Hailey’s version of the CDs. Upon parting, she’d given Hailey a journal. Hailey had given her a CD. Seventeen years later, Alexandria was making CDs she’d never send for Hailey. Could Hailey be writing about her in those journals?

She supposed it wasn’t too ridiculous to imagine she’d been making an appearance lately. They were back together again, at least physically. Hailey was a huge part of Alexandria’s life right now, maybe she was a big enough part of Hailey’s to get a mention in those pages. Maybe she’d been a big enough part of her life to make an appearance in some of the earlier ones too? Though she doubted those would be particularly favourable appearances.

It was definitely better not to know.

Hailey stretched and yawned beside her and Alexandria wanted to cry at the familiar domesticity of it all. She could have had so much. They could have made it work. If anyone was going to defy the odds, it would have been Hailey. She didn’t know why she couldn’t have defied her parents and realised that seventeen years ago—well, maybe she did—but she knew what they said about hindsight.

They just forgot to mention how much it hurts.

“Ugh,” Hailey groaned adorably. “I am absolutely knackered.”

“Me too,” Alexandria agreed, realising it was true behind the waves of adrenaline pulsing through her system.

“Bed?” Hailey asked, too sleepy to realise that could come off as suggestive, and definitely too sleepy to realise that the last time they’d been like this, going to bed meant jumping into the same, twin bed together, snuggling and kissing and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Alexandria was not foolish enough to assume, even for a second, that anything like that was on the table. “Absolutely. Let me clear these mugs.”

“Oh, you don’t need to. I’m just going to throw them in the dishwasher…” Hailey said, sleepily, trailing off when Alexandria was already up and heading into the kitchen with them.

Navy blue kitchen cabinets. Bronze handles. It was so Hailey. Stylish, and different, and beautiful. It was a million miles from Alexandria’s all-white kitchen with black appliances.

She located the dishwasher and set the mugs inside, feeling again how her soul sang out, wishing for this to be their life. She’d commute to London from here every day if she had to, just to have this life. She didn’t care how tired it made her. It would be worth it. She could have it all and make it work.

She stepped back into the living room as Hailey was getting up. Something inside of her begged her to tell Hailey how she was feeling, to finally put everything on the table and let the chips land where they may. They could make it work.

“I’ll show you to the guest room,” Hailey said, looking a little unsteady on her feet. Running a restaurant and working there almost every day, as it appeared Hailey did, must be exhausting. “I’m guessing you have a toothbrush and stuff?”

Alexandria sighed quietly. Her imagination was a generous place. Reality was different. “Yeah.” She gestured to her bag. “Got everything I need.”

“Other than a bed to sleep in,” Hailey said, laughing.

“Well, yes. Other than that, I suppose.” Alexandria didn’t know why she’d thought she would be able to actually tell Hailey anything about how she was feeling. Sure, things had changed a lot in the last seventeen years, but she was still the same person. The same person that had been too afraid to ask for more back then. Now was no different.

She followed Hailey up the stairs and towards one of the two bedroom doors.

“Here you go,” Hailey said, gesturing into the dark room. “Everything you need for a good night's sleep. I promise the sheets are clean.”

“I hadn’t doubted that until this very moment,” Alexandria said, furrowing her brow.

Hailey laughed. “Got to keep you on your toes, Daley.”

Alexandria laughed but it felt off. Her heart could barely handle Hailey calling her ‘Daley’. It was their thing long ago, in a time when they kissed and were close. It was a thing Hailey did when she was flirting. But now… was it still flirtatious? Was Hailey even aware she was doing it? She was exhausted after all.

Alexandria wondered whether it mattered whether it was consciously done or not. If Hailey was being purposely flirty, that would be great. If it was just where her brain went, that would be great too. That would imply Alexandria still meant something to Hailey, something beyond a distant memory of a time better left forgotten.

Hailey sobered suddenly, looking at her. “I didn’t even ask, is everything okay with your parents? I assume not since you came here, but are you okay?”

“Oh.” Alexandria blew out a breath. Seeing her mum in the station felt like a very distant memory now, as though time had moved differently here. “Daniel’s still not talking to them. He uninvited them both from the wedding, but my mum showed up at the station tonight. Right as I got off the train, and before I realised Daniel couldn’t make it. She gave me a letter for him and… I think she’s rethinking her whole life, honestly.”

Hailey nodded slowly, her eyes wide. She still looked tired but seemed a little more with it. “I guess that makes sense. Nothing like getting uninvited from your own son’s wedding to make you wonder what you’re willing to give up in exchange for something you weren’t all that against in the first place.”

“Yeah…” Alexandria wondered whether this was the time or place for this conversation. Hailey was tired, this whole thing was kind of odd, they hadn’t been each other’s rocks for a long time now… Except, this week, Hailey had been her rock. She’d been there for Alexandria when this whole thing started, and Alexandria had done her best to reciprocate and support Hailey when things were rough for her too. “She kind of implied she might be thinking about divorce.”

Hailey let out a low whistle. “That’s a lot. I’m sorry.”

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