Page 51 of I Always Will

Alexandria sucked in a sharp breath, just as Hailey had imagined she would. They both knew what she was doing but that didn’t mean it hadn’t landed.

The fact that Alexandria didn’t seem upset about the move was also landing. Right in Hailey’s heart. Right in all of the cracked, broken, hurt parts of her that had spent the last seventeen years missing this woman so badly.

They looked at each other for a moment too long. Alexandria’s face was already bright red and Hailey could feel hers heating up the longer the look held. She couldn’t find it in herself to mind, not when Alexandria was looking at her like that again.Finally.

The sound of a car speeding down the road out front disturbed the moment and Alexandria breathed raggedly, like the air had become heavy and alive and impossible to breathe in for her too.

“I’m not embarrassed,” she muttered, failing to look at Hailey and moving to sip at her tea again, almost choking if the way she cleared her throat was any indication.

Hailey wanted to push for the truth. As ever, she wanted to know everything Alexandria was thinking. But she knew she needed to be careful, patient… She wasn’t sure what she was being patient for—or, rather, she didn’t want to let in what she was hoping for—but she knew it was what they both needed right now. If she pushed too hard, she’d push Alexandria away. She had no idea how much time they had together—just until the wedding? Or would they stay in touch afterwards?—but she wasn’t going to rush it by pushing her away. “Sure you’re not,” she laughed, reaching for her own tea and forcing herself to relax back into the sofa, the picture of ease even if she felt like anything but.

Alexandria rolled her eyes and Hailey knew they were making it out safely. A change of subject was coming but Alexandria was still there. And that was the most important thing.

Hailey sipped her tea while subtly watching the way Alexandria’s eyes cast around the room. It felt so natural having her there that it was almost odd to think about the fact that she was seeing it all for the first time. There was nothing to learn here about who Hailey was that Alexandria didn’t already know, but it felt oddly intimate and appealing to watch Alexandria’s eyes flit around the room like she was drinking in Hailey herself rather than just the room.

She breathed the slightest of laughs before looking purposefully at Hailey. “You still have the journal. And a million others.”

The happy awe that filled her voice was almost lost on Hailey who felt as though she was in a car that had just hit an unexpected dip in the road. The bookshelf. Of course there was something here that would give her away. Of course Alexandria would notice and bring it up. She always had been able to keep Hailey on her toes.

“Uh, yeah.” Hailey couldn’t help but look at the shelf too. A whole row of journals, almost identical to the very first one. The one Alexandria had gifted her. Hailey didn’t get them embossed with her initials as Alexandria had, but she had done her best to keep using the same journals. And now, they stood in a tidy but exposing row at the bottom of the bookcase. “It was a great gift. Thank you.”

Her heart hurt thinking about that first journal—the moment she’d received it, the moment she’d finally used it, the tradition it had started that lasted until this day. The one she was currently writing in was in her bedside table, so there was no chance of Alexandria seeing that, but there was no hiding the others from her.

“I’m really glad. And I’m glad journaling seems to agree with you.” She smiled somewhat sadly before forcing her expression to be happy again. “Not that I’m surprised. You always were very communicative.”

Hailey didn’t know how to feel. Part of her wanted to show them to Alexandria. The other part knew she couldn’t. But she wondered whether they were part of the reason why it made so much sense to have Alexandria here, why it felt like she belonged and had been here before. Hailey had curated a home she loved, one that reflected her surprisingly well, but Alexandria had been here too.

She was in the marriage contract that lived in the box upstairs. She was in all of the tokens Hailey had kept, tucked away with the contract. And in twenty journals. Journals filled with thoughts and letters and half-conversations written to and for Alexandria. They captured so much of what Hailey had gone through, but they were Alexandria too. They were to her, for her, and it was impossible to have Hailey without Alexandria. Even apart,she was a huge part of Hailey, and having her here was simply Alexandria coming home to all of the fractured pieces of her Hailey had been nursing over the last seventeen years.

Twenty-One

Present day

It was an odd look at a life that could have been, sitting a little too close to Hailey as they watched TV together and sipped their tea. Alexandria felt the yearning to be closer, to have more of this, while also feeling bogged down by all of the reasons they didn’t have this.

She knew that, if this was their every Friday night—and what a wonderful Friday night that would be each week—they’d be sitting even closer. They always had been close—emotionally and physically. The tiny gap that separated them now felt like a chasm between them, filled with seventeen years and bad decisions and uncertainty at their present. She could practically feel the heat rolling off Hailey and reaching towards her, pulling her in like gravity. She wanted to give in, but they were different people now and, after seventeen years, she had little hope that Hailey still felt the same way about her.

But still, she couldn’t deny the way things felt between them. The weight of things passed was still there, but there was a pull between them. Things worked and felt right when they were together. Alexandria relaxed around her, even as the tension of wanting her and never having her pulled taut at her heart.

She kept her head turned towards the TV, barely taking in what they were watching as her eyes wandered constantly back to the bookshelf.

Half of it was filled with music—CDs that were an unusual sight in homes today, but that felt so very Hailey, and records that were back in vogue again. One shelf was filled with books. Alexandria was almost as curious about those as she was the music. And the final row was filled with journals. Those were the most interesting of all. Most of them matched the one she’d given Hailey all those years ago, the one she was certain was at the furthest end. She didn’t want to read them, they were Hailey’s personal thoughts after all, but she wanted to know her.

When she’d given Hailey the journal, she’d told her to write her story. Now that she knew she had, Alexandria wanted to know what it was. She wanted her mind and soul to be filled with Hailey, with all of the versions of her that had existed in the last seventeen years. She wanted to know how the Hailey she’d loved forever ago had become the Hailey she still loved now. And apparently, all of it was sitting there, innocently, on a shelf in Hailey’s living room, as if the books didn’t contain the most consequential of lives.

In the time they’d been apart, Alexandria had thought of Hailey often. She’d cried and raged and broken. She’d loved her and missed her and hated the distance. She’d argued with herself over the choices she’d made, tried to convince herself to go back and change things or to reach out and fix them. But she never had. They’d both agreed this was the right thing to do. She knew how badly Hailey didn’t want them to turn into her parents. Alexandria didn’t want that either. She’d hardly spent any time around the Davis family but even that was enough to know she didn’t want to become that with Hailey. So she’d forged forwards, never falling for anyone else. Barely even dating anyone else. Almost two decades of pining over Hailey Davis while she built the life she’d traded her in for.

It was a good life, but now, with wisdom and distance, she thought they might have made it. She knew she’d made a mistake listening to the doubtful voices around her, no matter how forceful they’d been. And, even if they had drifted apart and broken up, it couldn’t possibly have been worse than this.

As she took in Hailey’s home and saw fragments of her in the decor, in the journals, in the choices she made for her life and her home, Alexandria couldn’t help but wonder what Hailey would see if she came into Alexandria’s apartment. She’d never really thought about how much homes gave away about their occupants, but now, sitting in this incredibly Hailey place, she couldn’t deny how obvious it was.

Her own place was tidy, minimalist, almost soulless if she was being honest. It was rented so there was only so much she could do, but she kept it neat and distant, much like she kept herself, and that was telling enough, wasn’t it?

The most personal things one could find in her home were about Hailey. The box of souvenirs from their time together and the trunk of mixed CDs Alexandria had made over the years. All for Hailey. She’d started one lonely night at university, her heart broken and despairing, feeling more alone than she ever had before, and more in need of Hailey than she ever could have predicted. She’d listened to the CDs Hailey had given her over and over again and, when even they couldn’t cut it, she’d sat at her computer and created a playlist that spoke to how she was feeling. It was a sad, regretful compilation, but it was honest.

And so, that had become her coping strategy. When things hurt too much, or she needed to say things she couldn’t find the words for, and she knew she’d never be able to tell Hailey anyway, she’d sit at her desk, compile the CD, write the tracklist on the case insert, and then pack it away with the others.

Even as times changed, she always burned them onto CDs. She could have switched to online playlists but that didn’t feel right. Her feelings for Hailey needed a concrete, physical outlet, a dedication she could touch. So now, she had a whole trunk full of them, squirrelled away in her bedroom where nobody would ever see them. Even if someone saw the trunk, they’d never suspect what was inside.

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